2013: A Personal Retrospective

I could write off 2013 as a lousy year. I could write it off as a miserable, lousy year where nothing good happened. If I did that, though, I'd be lying to myself and to a lot of other people. In truth, I could count it as one of my best years. Not as good as 2011, but certainly right up there. However, the paradox is that all the trips that I've taken, all the road tripping, the new friends, amazing wrestling matches...probably slim to none of it would have happened if mom hadn't passed away. So, how do I classify 2013 in light of the fact that her death created opportunities for me to grow as a person, to create new memories, happy memories, and new friends?

I'm honestly not sure how. All I can do is relate the ups and the downs, the personal growth and the new experiences, and take a look back.


I started off 2013 still on bereavement leave from work. New Years Eve was "celebrated" with dad watching the ball drop. Then, on Saturday the 5th, I traveled down to the first wrestling show of the new year for me: Crossfire Entertainment. I went for one reason: to finally meet and see wrestle in person someone I had admired for over a year, become a fan of, and had chatted with on Twitter: Jessicka Havok. I was nervous, and hesitant to go (going to new places on my own scares me), but I pushed myself to drive the two hours and head into the building. And I'm so glad I did. She genuinely almost jumped over the table when she spotted me. I can still remember the look on her face. And I got the first of many "Havok Hugs" where she engulfed me in her arms. Getting to meet her helped me tremendously, and attending the Crossfire show was a fine way to kick off the year as far as wrestling shows went. I didn't know it but it would be one of the last independent shows that Sami Callihan wrestled on. After the show I lingered to talk to Jessicka before heading back home. All in all, I'm very glad I went. Getting to meet Havok was a good way to start the year. ^_^

February was hard, as it was mom's birthday on the eleventh. I believe I went out to the cemetery but otherwise I can't honestly remember much about the rest of February or March. In April, though, things picked up as I got to fly to New York City to see one of my best friends, Eric, who I hadn't seen in over a year. I also attended WrestleCon and saw my first EVOLVE show as well as SHIMMER 53 and CHIKARA. I had the good fortune to meet a lot of wrestlers such as William Regal, Beth Phoenix, Kyoko Inoue and get a picture and autograph with them. I was also privileged to be part of the record-breaking crowd that attended SHIMMER and CHIKARA, and watch as the best female wrestling company in the world was broadcast live for the first time ever via Internet Pay-Per-View. As a bonus I got to see Daffney for the first time since September 2010 AND finally meet one of the best commentators in the business and a very sweet man Lenny Leonard. I'll never forget the way Daffney's eyes lit up when she saw me. It warmed my heart to see her looking so healthy and happy! But more on a personal level, I loved spending time with Eric and his boyfriend Trevor. Eric is someone who, together with Chris, helped me so much when mom passed. He's a beautiful soul and I'm very lucky that he was willing to let me stay at his home, show me around the city (especially places to shop!), and be brave enough to accompany me to WrestleCon despite his feelings. I'm making it a point to get back to NYC in 2014 to spend time with him.


The weekend after WrestleCon and NYC was AAW and SHIMMER in Berwyn. There I got to see my regular crew of friends that hadn't been able to make it to the fall tapings in 2012. Rooming with Cryssi and riding with her, Steven, Torri and Shanti; hanging out with Chris and Anthony - all of this helped in ways I can't fully explain in words. It felt like being encased in a healing bubble. True, I cried a little at points, but having caring friends there for me to hold onto...it helped. I'll always be grateful for the two weeks in April that I was surrounded by friends. Seeing the fantastic wrestling I always see at SHIMMER helped as well. Evie, Kimber Lee, Yuu Yamagata, Jessicka Havok all debuted on 53 and were in Berwyn for the full set of tapings. Serena Deeb and Madison Eagles all returned from injury without a hitch. Cheerleader Melissa started her turn towards the darkside after taking the title back from Saraya Knight. And we said goodbye to a pioneer in wrestling, a woman who elected to bow out due to injury rather than gamble with her health, a lady who helped create and nuture SHIMMER into the phenomenon it is today. We said goodbye to Allison Danger. She disclosed it was due to a stroke she had suffered earlier in 2013 that doctors found out she had lesons on the brain. They weren't/aren't life threatening, but given she has a family to help take care of she decided to stop wrestling. However, she will still be in and around SHIMMER to help out backstage which is a good thing. There are many, many people who can benefit from her knowledge. Wrestling owes Danger a debt of gratitude, and I'm grateful to have had her support as a friend as well.

Speaking of friends, from May to the end of the year the best thing that I can say happened was the fact I met more people due to wrestling. Some, like Angelus Layne, I was a fan of in late 2012 and got to know this year on a personal basis. Some, like BeesKnees followed me on Twitter and introduced themselves at shows like she did at the Girl Fight Wrestling show in Indiana. Also in May I started going to a lot of local shows on the basis of the new names that were getting my attention (when I say "new" I mean "new to me" not "new on the scene" period). Names such as Alex Castle, Matt Cage, Christian Rose, Reed Bentley, Tripp Cassidy. I started traveling 3-4 hours to places I have never heard of to promotions that were more fly-by-nights than more established ones if even one person I was a fan of was on the card. Somewhere along the way I became friends with these guys and others. I'm not sure how, but I was and remain grateful. They became part of my life, and in turn showed me how good wrestling could be found - if someone is willing to drive, that is. I certainly am, given there's nothing good in Kentucky.


I have definitely invested more time into wrestling promotions that aren't just all-female like I have in years past. AAW, AIW, DREAMWAVE, IWA:Mid South, VWAA - I've attended shows or bought DVDs and become exposed to a wider world of wrestling than I had previously known about. True, my knowledge is still meager compared to others but I'm continually fascinated by how much there is. And since all of the friends I've met in the past few years have come to me via wrestling...I'm pretty grateful I got into it back in 1999.

In July, I drove with Bentley up to Illinois for my first DREAMWAVE show. Getting to stay over with the WrestleFam (Cage, Rose, Mallaki Matthews and Jeff O'Shea) was a blast. Road tripping up with Rose, Bentley and Castle was a LOT of fun. That weekend was relaxing as well as fun, and it was great to get out of the house. You learn a lot about people when you're in the car with them for a few hours.

This would get long if I recounted every single trip I took, hah. The SHIMMER fall tapings were special to me since Cherry Bomb returned to team with Kimber Lee as one hell of a tag team; I got to see Nikki Storm in person and meet her; I saw the elevation of Mia Yim in a series of matches with Hikaru Shida, Melanie Cruise, Angie Skye and most importantly Madison Eagles; and the rise of LuFisto to the point where, in 2014, we may see her overthrow the two woman power trip of Mercedes Martinez and Cheerleader Melissa. It's no secret that I'm a huge fan, as well as a friend, of Lufi's and it was genuinely awful to witness her crash landing at WrestleCon. Through surgery and rehabbing (as well as some serious mutant healing factor!) she came back from it just like she came back through her other health issues to be at the top of her game. I was also happy to see that she got to accomplish one of her goals this year, which was to wrestle in the United Kingdom. If anyone deserves recognition as well as accolades it's LuFisto.

In September, I got more of a glimpse into indy wrestling than I had before when I went road tripping with Sassy Stephanie as she went from Farmville, Virginia to a small town in Pennsylvania and back home to Cleveland in the space of 2 days. It made me appreciate and respect the effort that men and women choose to put themselves through all for the love of wrestling. It's a far cry to go from wrestling in front of about 200 fans in the Berwyn Eagles Club to wrestling in a barn in front of 50-70 people. Yet that's what she did, and I was really glad she asked me to come along (although I felt bad - she did far more of the driving than I did!).


October was also fun since the weekend before SHIMMER, I got to hang out with not only Bentley, Nick and Jess but also Mark Andrews and Pete Dunne, two guys from the UK who were doing a small tour of the US. Also I had the pleasure of meeting Matt Knicks and Chris Castro, two guys I had seen and become a fan of from their stuff in Dreamwave but who turned out to be great guys. The show, Galaxy Wrestling, that they all wrestled on may not have been well attended but personally it was a blast. Perhaps, because it didn't draw well, some of the guys were able to get away with being more whacky than usual. It was definitely one of the more fun shows I saw all year. October was a good month overall. November was quieter but I really enjoyed spending time with my sister Shannon, her boyfriend Mark and my nephew Zack at Thanksgiving. We may not communicate as much as we should, or see each other as often, but there's the sister bond that I think has only gotten deeper since mom's passing. Certainly I appreciate her more than ever, and I'm proud of Zack. He's incredibly smart and has a sharp wit. If he keeps doing so well in school the sky is the limit for him.


December..I was honestly worried about. Christmas, New Years Eve and the one year anniversary of mom's passing. It fell on a Saturday and I had no idea how I should spend the day. I thought about packing a lunch and going out to the cemetery all day. I thought about going out to eat alone and reading. Or seeing a movie. But I was very scared about my emotional reaction. Fortunately the month started out great. Somehow, during the first weekend, I found myself sharing a car with Ricochet and Chris-friggin'-Hero. Yeap. Backtracking, the 6th was the second IWA:Mid South show I attended in 2013, Big Ass Christmas Bash and top to bottom it was one of the best cards I had seen all year. There was something for everyone, and on a personal level it was fantastic to see Christian Rose get a huge match against Drake Younger; and Matt Cage make his return standing out in an 8 person tag match. It was also good to see Tripp Cassidy and Josh Crane stand out in another multi-person match, despite what happened with Dale Patricks during it (fortunately he turned out to be okay, thank goodness!). All in all, it was a great show for IWA:MS to end 2013 on.

Ricochet and Bentley stayed over at my place overnight, then we went on to Illinois to pick up Angelus and Alex, and finished up in LaSalle for DREAMWAVE. DREAMWAVE ended it's 2013 on a spectacular high, and I'm going to do my level best to not miss a show. Hero and Trik Davis joined our car as we headed back down to crash at A & A's place overnight, then onto St. Louis for Beyond Wrestling tapings. It was 3 days of awesome wrestling, wonderful friends and plenty of stories. At Beyond, I got to see someone wrestle that everyone had put over to me as being the reason why they became better wrestlers. Danny Cannon did NOT disappoint. He's also very humble, very sweet and brimming over with positive mental attitude. I sincerely hope he stays in love with wrestling as he is so damn good at it. Plus I would like to run into him again! He was the last to be dropped off on the way back to A&A's house. True, I had a bad moment on the way back when it was just me, Bentley and Castle in the car, but at least it wasn't in front of anyone else.

Actually, thinking about it, one of the only bad points of this past year was inexplicably falling out with two of the girls I had become acquainted with after July. Months later, I still find it puzzling that they stopped talking and started point blank ignoring me for no reason I can think of (and I've thought about it a LOT). The only time we are in the same area is when we're at the same wrestling shows, but it makes me uncomfortable since we have the same group of friends. I've reached out to both via messages, asking if I had done something to upset or offend either one, and offering to apologize if I had, but never received a reply. I don't hate or dislike either girl, but I'm the kind of person who hates feeling left out and hates leaving out anyone else. If there's someone I don't care for hanging around, I usually try to be social and not ignore them if they're in the same social circle. But in this instance, I get the vibe that I'm not welcome even to stand near them. It could be all in my head (sometimes it is), but still...it makes me wonder what I've done. I'm also the kind of person who hates being on the outs with anyone I used to be friendly or friends with, so to not know what I've done to offend either one..it bothers me. As a friend said, I know I need to get over it, but still...I dunno.

Anyways, the twenty first rolled around and I still had no idea what to do or what to expect. But Bentley invited me to watch a local show not too far from my home, along with Jess and Nick. I got there late due to running errands but it felt nice to be with friends and not alone with my thoughts. The show was fine. The camaraderie was priceless. Bad weather spoiled our plans to watch one of the early Royal Rumbles together, so everyone wound up going back to their own place. I was completely grateful to Bentley, Jess and Nick for thinking of me, getting me out of the house for some fun. The night was hard, but I had something to look forward to: a wrestling charity show the next day. Evolution Pro Wrestling and IWA:Mid South teamed up to raise money for a family whose little girl has the same form of cancer that Zack Gowan has. Zack, along with various wrestlers from both promotions did the show in a great display of professionalism. Not only was there some amazing wrestling (Josh Crane versus Jonathan Gresham was outstanding), but I got to see Gage, Jodie, Isaac 3 people I had met over the course of the year and really gotten on with. Cage, Rose and Mallaki were due to come down from Iowa as well but due to a snowstorm they had to stay home.

Everything was going well until a triple threat match, the last match before the main event which featured Zack Gowan vs Reed Bentley. One of the dudes in the match, Elkview Adam, took a dive to the outside. He dove out of the ring opposite from me so I saw him dive but not land. What I did see were people scrambling out of the way, then screams from various fans. Before I knew it, Ian Rotten was out there screaming for someone to call 911. The locker room emptied out, helping keep fans out of the way, looking to see if there was anything they could do. I saw Ian rest his head against the apron, practically moaning, "No..no..." I legitimately thought he was dead. It wasn't until the ambulance came and picked him up that I realized he wasn't. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why the show wasn't ended then and there. Give the family the money raised and tell the crowd it's over. Bentley later told me that him and Zack managed to get the crowd back into the match, which shows how good both of them are, but I missed it. When I realized they were going on with it, I went out to my car to calm down.

The thing that shook me so bad was, aside from the accident, Ian's voice. I flash backed to when the EMTs told dad and I mom was gone. I can still hear dad moaning, "Awh no, no.." In that moment, Ian sounded like dad. It was too much and I had to go out to the car. Later, I went back in but for a few minutes I thought about going back home. I wound up going back inside to see if there was any news or if anyone planned on getting something to eat although I wasn't very hungry at the time. While some of them went to Spinelli's in downtown Louisville, me, Gage, Heidi, Tripp, Josh, Percy, and Nate Stone went to the nearby Denny's. Although I felt guilty for enjoying myself as much as I did, I can't deny I had a lot of fun especially getting to talk and hang out with Gage. He has a wonderful heart and is full of PMA. Just talking to him afterwards helped me feel better, but the whole group was hilarious. Definitely helped end the day on a decent note, but didn't prevent the nightmares that night.

I wound up working Christmas so the Saturday after that dad and I went to Shannon's house to eat and exchange gifts. Although I really had wanted to attend the AAW show the same day, I wasn't up for the drive alone and truthfully I'm glad for the time we spent at Shannon's. Everyone loved their gifts, we watched the U of K vs U of L game, and had fun playing with the animals.

I wound up working New Years Eve day, and getting the actual NYDay off. Now that I'm at the end of this, how do I view 2013 overall? Well...I guess I view it like anyone else. It had it's ups and it's downs. The downs were the worst I'd ever experienced. The ups were incredible. But I honestly believe I would not be here, I would not be doing as well as I have, were it not for my wrestling and the fact I've had plenty of wrestling to delve into to take my mind off things. If anything, this year has proven to me that the time and effort I've put into wrestling has paid off. It gave me something to do, somewhere to go, something to watch, and put me in contact with some of the best people I know. It continues to do all of this. I had no idea that, when I started watching WWF in 1999, that it would lead to friendships I cherish and would help sustain me during the worst thing that could have happened to me.

For this, wrestling will always have my loyalty, my gratitude and my support. There is nothing else in the world like professional wrestling.

On the flip side of the coin, as I said, wrestling has put me in touch with people I hold dear. These people have sustained and supported me throughout this; during the times when depression has taken hold of me; made me laugh when I wanted to cry; and helped in various ways that I will never forget. I want now to take the time to thank as many people as possible, but my memory has been completely shoddy this past year so if I leave anyone out it is NOT intentionally done I promise.

Eric & Chris: You two are my best friends. You both helped me so much, Skyping late at night, letting me vent and, when I got to see y'all in person in April, giving me hugs. Y'all have seen me at my worst and you knew what mom's loss meant to me. Chris, we have to go back to Montreal soon that remains one of the best memories I have. Eric, I promise to get back to NYC this year to see you with no wrestling involved. I love you guys so much.

Stephanie: I still remain baffled as to how similar our mothers' deaths were. It's eerie as hell. I absolutely hate that you have been and continue to go through what I am, but I'm glad that you have Chris as well as family and friends to help you through it. You have a heart of gold and I wish you nothing but happiness from here on out. You deserve it. Thank you for being a wonderful friend as well as a beautiful person inside and out. I hope that I've helped you in some small way like you've helped me. I love you gal.


Anthony: Although you've deleted your social media, I'm going to repeat all this in a letter. You were the first person I realized would be able to help support me the most due to your own loss. And you did. I still have the "Staring at the Sun" song you recommended to me last year on my iPod. I've listened to it several times. I've looked for the signs and been lucky enough to see some of them along the way. And the fact that you were willing to come to SHIMMER and to the afterparty despite the unpleasantness..you'll never know how much it meant when, after the show when everyone was clearing out Saturday evening, you found me in the crowd and gave me the biggest hug. It took everything I had to not start crying right there. I hate the fact this past year hasn't been the best for you. You deserve a good, happy life. You have a beautiful soul, and I treasure our friendship beyond words. Bless you.

Macy, Kay, Lisa, Andi: I dunno if you'll ever see this but thank you all. You helped me several times when I broke down at work or was unable to handle various stressful situations with patients. I'm grateful to have you all (or, in Lisa's case, have had you) as co-workers, God knows I could've had a worse year if not for working with such amazing ladies as yourselves.

Angelus and Alex: It's been truly wonderful to get to know you guys. Angelus, you've had a worse year than me but your fighting spirit and determination are so strong it's amazing. Alex, your kind heart and patience are an inspiration to others. Every time I've had the pleasure of sharing a car with you guys or watching you in the ring has been a blessing. I appreciate with all my heart your friendship.

Bentley, Nick and Jess: Y'all came into my life about halfway through the year and honestly I wish you had met me a year or two earlier when I wasn't as unstable as I have been this year. There were moments when I know I've made all 3 of you mad, and I am sincerely grateful for the fact that we're friends now. Nick and Jess, you two are the most perfect couple I've ever seen. Your love and your story gives me hope. Nick, your love of wrestling is so ingrained and shines in everything you do, it's amazing. The nickname of "Pro-Wrestling's BFF" fits you to a T. Jess, you have a soft spirit that sometimes hide what a fighter you are. But when you smile, it lights up the room. Together you two could move mountains. Cheesy but I believe it. Bentley, when I properly met you at the first Wrestling is Intense show I wasn't sure what to make of you. You were hilarious, your wit sharp and you've got a bluster that hides the fact you are a genuinely kind, honest person. No matter how much it may hurt or make me mad, I'm glad for the fact you will never not be completely honest. You gave me another chance when a lot of people wouldn't. You've seen me at my worst. I hope in 2014 you start to see me at my best. Thank you, all three of you.

LuFisto: God knows how I went from being a fan to being a friend of yours but I'm honored. You inspire me on a daily basis and I'm so glad to have seen you make a full recovery. You're one of the strongest women I know and it means more than words can express that you've reached out to help me this past year and even before mom's death. Thank you so much - here's wishing that 2014 brings you happiness, good health and most importantly SHIMMER GOLD! ;-)

Steven, Torri, Cryssi, Shanti, Ayzali, Greg, Joe, Mia Yim, Amber Gertner, Jeff, Allison Danger, Ben, Michael Liao, Cewsh and Mrs. Cewsh, Veda, Rhia, PUENTE!, Cherry Bomb, Mia Svensson, Su Yung, Havok, Athena, Portia, Kristen and Ichiban: My SHIMMER crew! (Even if some of you aren't at SHIMMER every time haha) All of you helped make the SHIMMER weekends one of healing and happiness for me and I'm so grateful for it. Thank you for the laughs, the fantastic wrestling, the hugs and the memories. These friendships are why I look forward to SHIMMER the most. Roll on April!

Cage, Rose, Mallaki, O'Shea, Knight, Tyler, Tripp, Josh, Gage, Greg B, J.J., Danny, Trik, Issaac, Heidi: All of you I've had the pleasure of watching in the ring this year and either getting to know on a personal level or purely as an acquaintance but either way wrestling has put me in touch with all of you. I'm really happy that wrestling has such a variety of talent as you guys and gal and, in Greg B's case, someone who is wholeheartedly supportive of independent wrestling. Rose, Cage, Mallaki and O'Shea, the first weekend I spent at y'all's WrestlePad in IL was hilarious. I don't think I had laughed as hard as I did then. At the same time it was also very cool to watch wrestling with people in the business and get your perspective. And in the past few months I've met the rest of you guys and gotten to see some of you in the ring. All of you have made me laugh and I value that above everything else. I'm very glad that our mutual love of this crazy thing called wrestling has put me in contact with all of you. You're all wonderful people. ^_^

Rachel, Andrew, Eryn, Sarah, Chelsi, Jodie, Diana, Alyssa, Alex, Dave M, Jerome, Chris, Des, Barry, Adam T, Leslie, Tamela, Leron, Mary, Chris R, Bobby, Katelyn, Dann and Emily, Sugar, Andre, April, Lenny, Daffney, Holly, Joy, Candy, Becky, Polly, Jennifer FauxBrit, Adam Lash, VA Mike, Dan, Emil, Biggins, Shane, Annie B, Gary C, Castro, Knicks, Pete, Mark, Katie, Misty, the Hooligans, Chrissy R, Nick G, Annie S, Darren, Stephane, Rovert, Moj, Phil, FiveStar, and Leva: Be you a recent friend, an old friend, an acquaintance, a colleague on PWP, or what have you all of you have helped me at various points this year. Most of you made me laugh which is something I have sorely needed. Some of you forgave me for being a complete jackass. Some of you listened when I needed to vent. Above all else, all of you made me smile. Smiles and laughter and a sympathetic ear (or eyes in this case) and discussion on various things and hugs. Thank all of you so much.

I legit tried to mention everyone but if I missed someone it was honestly NOT intentional (the above paragraph should prove that!). Be it in small ways or large, I am beyond blessed and humbled at the fact I know so many wonderful, generous, loving people. All I can say is thank you and say that if anyone ever needs an ear, a hug, a laugh or anything else that it's in my power to give, you have only to ask. I love you guys.

Now lets make 2014 completely amazing!