It's three days until Christmas, and being that I'm at work and it's slowed down a bit, I thought I'd take a few minutes and review the year I've had.
It's certainly been a defining one for me. January saw the biggest change I'd had in seven years - I was fired from my job as a medical records clerk/receptionist at Medical Center Cardiologists.
In all fairness though, it was coming. Ever since the company had been bought by Jewish Hospital (one of the biggest hospitals in Louisville), there'd been several changes, several staffing changes and not all of them for the better. As a direct consequence, the position I had been a receptionist at since 2005, receptionist for the MCC testing facility, was eliminated because they simply took the equipment and moved it to a JH facility and shut ours down. To their credit, the powers that were still in power at MCC found me a position in the same building, just up on a different floor, working medical records/reception in the actual doctor's office. However, from 2002 to 2005, I'd worked medical records at the downtown office, and let me tell you, it's a thankless job. No matter how much you accomplish, you never have it completely done. There's always charts to file, papers to file or records to obtain.
The women in that office took me under their wings and really helped make the transfer smoother than it could've been. And to be fair, I had fun working up there from 2007 to January of this year. I was the Duck Lady of the building still, one year Britney trussed me up as a Princess, and I even fell in the pond trying to rescue a goose egg (don't ask). So I did have fun.
But, being out in one of the "ritzier" areas of town, we had our share of spoiled rotten patients. Some were very sweet - but most were sour and sometimes downright bitter. You couldn't please them, and more often than not, I got cussed at and I witnessed sexual harassment from patients towards employees. And most of the cussing came from the senior doctor of the practice. No matter how much you complained, he never changed. Which is a shame, because he could be really damn funny and he's incredibly smart - we often discussed history and the archological trips he'd made to Italy. But I never knew anyone else in my life that dropped as many "GDs" as he did.
So when I was fired, it was due to my temper getting the better of me, just once, towards...well, she wasn't even a patient, it was her mother that was the patient. But this woman had a history of attitude and hatefulness towards all of us. One gesture though and I'm almost certain it was due to her nagging and threats of prosecution that got me terminated.
To their credit, my parents were loving and supportive. They'd actually noticed a change in me the past few weeks before I was fired. I'd become a lot more tired and "defeated looking" in their words. Which that surprised me, I didn't think my demeanor had changed but it had. In the beginning it was a real weight off my shoulders. They fought my unemployment claim but after having a telephone hearing with my case worker and the human resources person for Jewish Hospital (wherein I detailed the abuse and sexual harassment endured by the staff), the case was decided in my favour, so I had steady income up until August.
Which is when the money in my account ran out and I steadily had to rely on my funds in savings and help from my parents. I hated it. Reeeeeeeeeeally hated having to take money from them. I've kept a list of how much I owe them back.
Aside from winning my unemployment claim, February wasn't anything special. Nor was March. I was on job search but other than a couple of interviews, nothing was biting. I think my spirits were still high at this point.
April brought the first SHIMMER tapings of 2010 and although I didn't attend, it was the reports by Steven on DD that made up my mind. I didn't care if I didn't have a job - I was going to SHIMMER. It was pretty much cemented, even moreso when I found out the next tapings and purchased my tickets. I couldn't get over how cheap it was! I was used to paying $200+ for front row seats to WWE shows. Two front row seats for less than $200. Tremendous.
Around April was also when my addiction to Twitter kicked in. It's strange as I look back, I went from AOL chat rooms to AIM to Livejournal to Facebook to Twitter (and I started this blog as a more serious one than my LJ, due to being challenged by Demond). But not really all that unusual, seeing as I had so much time on my hands. Plus, the idea of interacting with wrestlers was thrilling - and I admit, I have saved almost all the tweets I got in the early months from various wrestlers like Daffney, Melina, Lufisto...Twitter also helped to expand my horizons as far as independent wrestling went.
As my options for female wrestling outside of WWE and TNA expanded, my unwillingness to be satisfied for mediocrity grew. I do still watch, mostly to support the men and women I like, but now that I know what's out there, I can't really go back to being content with the status quo. Especially after September. But I'm digressing far and fast.
May saw my 28th birthday. My parents took me out for my birthday and I got a "yeehaw" from the folks at Logan's Restaurant. Nothing too big as I didn't want anything big done. By June, my failure to find a job was starting to get to me. However, in June, I joined the team at DD as a writer for Xplosion and Superstars, plus joined the audio shows. This really boosted my spirits - I may've had jobs rejecting me, but I had an outlet for my creativity and passion for female wrestling. Plus it brought me into contact with some wonderful people I'm happy and proud to call friends.
July and August - interviews, rejections, and Spike, my beloved kitty, started to show signs of illness. He'd gotten progressively skinny over the year, even though he eats a ton, but throws up more than usual. All signs of what happened to my other kitty, Maggie. But at this point, it wasn't too bad.
September. Ah, beautiful, lovely, life-shaking September. Connections were made, friendships were cemented, and the Best Weekend Ever occurred. SHIMMER Weekend. Pretty much says it all. I spent a ton of cash but it was oh so worth it.
But after that weekend and on into October, my spirits were seriously dragging. My lack of a job and funding was really wearing me down. I had even more of an incentive to get employed now (like a car payment, car insurance and other necessities weren't enough of an incentive before....priorities. I has them.), and I had some really dark moments. But towards the end of the month, I had an interview with the Brook Hospital. Didn't get the job; however, the human resources director, Sean, was extremely nice and offered to call if anything came up.
Something did. The first person chosen for the job turned out to not have the qualifications or the history she claimed she had. Whoops. Her mistake turned out to be my great fortune. I started working second shift, 3pm to 11pm on November 3rd, and this could quite possibly be the best job I've ever had. As long as the phones are answered, the patients taken care of, and anything misc. handled I'm free to watch tv/dvds, read, surf the net - and I heard this straight from my boss! Score~!
Back tracking to October, this year's Halloween saw me in my most daring costume to date - the Evil Witch from Snow White. Shortest costume I've ever worn but I looked frackin' sexy as all get out. I have pictures to prove it. ^_~
October also saw another milestone for me - I got my passport. In two weeks no less! Because ever since September, Lee and I have spent God knows how many hours collectively talking and getting to know each other. And I thought he was joking when he said that he wanted to fly me over to Britain next year. For Valentine's Day no less. No joke, he's even worked weekends, times when he didn't have to, for the extra cash. Floored! So I surprised him by holding off until I got my passport, and took a picture of me with it, to show him. I'm capable of holding other secrets as well as my own bwhaha..
Besides my job, and the SHIMMER trip, meeting and getting to know Lee has been the best part of this year by far. You know that saying, that you'll meet someone when you aren't looking? More truth to it than you'd think. He brings out the best in me. I have confidence, but his boosts my own. He knows a lot of what I think and feel because he's been there, done that for the most part. It's refreshing to find someone that there's no judgment, no matter how much of yourself you share with them - and I've shared parts of myself I haven't with anyone else.
I've also rediscovered parts of myself that I'd long forgotten were there. He's been the catalyst for the growth I've gone through these past several weeks. I find myself feeling more like a woman - as strange as that may sound. It's been abit intimidating...but exhilirating at the same time. It's also rather scary as to how attached I've gotten; I honestly can't imagine him not being in my life now. But even knowing the strength of my attachment, he hasn't shyed away like I thought he might. (Like a lot of guys would, most likely.) Apparently he feels rather strongly himself.
He must, or else he wouldn't be flying me over next year hah.
This all brings me into December. I quit the DD site and made some bad moves concerning folks involved with it - but I don't regret quitting. I regret the way it happened - I hadn't eaten anything for 3 days, I was sick and my moods were out of balance. If I'd had time to think about it, I wouldn't have been so nasty about it. But that's neither here nor there now. Rather, I'm just grateful a few of my strongest friendships have been maintained. Aside from my family, I've always thought of those who are my friends as my rock. Even moreso for the ones I met at Shimmer. They're like extended family to me, I love them so much.
I've been at work for over a month now, and I've gotten a hint as to how hectic and frenzied it can get, but so far I've delt with it nicely. I was even one of several folks who won a Christmas prize - a $50 gift card! Haven't spent it just yet. Everyone's so friendly and helpful. If I screw this job up, I'll deserve to be taken outside and shot. This is too damn good for me to mess up. Plus, because it's second shift, it's more money than I was making before. Which'll be fantastic when I go to a full 5 days a week in January.
All in all, 2010 went from being a shit year to one of the best years I've had in a while. And all in the course of the last four months. Go figure! Life can be really weird sometimes. I'm hoping 2010 will end alright where Spike is concerned, I have an appointment to take him to the vet tomorrow. I forget but he's 15-16 years old...I've had him since I was in the 8th grade. Raised him from a kitten. I really hope that, if he's ill, it'll be something treatable. We'll see.
But to everyone who helped make this year fantastic - thank you! Here's hoping 2011 will be a great year for us all!
Post script: Dr. King thinks Spike has a hyperactive thyroid. Nothing wrong with his kidneys or liver and no diabetes. So he's on some medicine to improve his thyroid. So not as bad as expected fortunately!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Writings
Once upon a time I used to write. A lot. Mostly poetry (being an emo teenager, it's the fashion), but some prose. All of it was in my Junior year creative writing class '98 - '99. I got excellent grades in this class...but I think my teacher worried about me. I'm not sure why.
This piece is from 4/14/99, we had to choose an emotion to write about. Others chose joy, love, happiness. Me? I chose betrayal, heh.
"Betrayal is the emotion that you feel when someone has been unfaithful to you, or has disappointed you in some way, big or small. Someone has deceived, lied, cheated and generally misled you. That's betrayal. It has often been described like a knife that slices through your heart, a chair that's been pulled out from under you, a bucket of water that has been thrown over you. So many other feelings make up and come with this emotion. Hurt, sadness, anger and an overwhelming confusion. You are confused as to why the person has betrayed you. That is the biggest question: why? What reason on earth could bring a person to break another's trust? There are limitless reasons. Money is a common reason; so is love, hate, power, or a cheap laugh. But no reason is ever truly good enough to be unfaithful to someone who trusts you. People such as your spouse, your friend, your partner, your teammate can betray you. Betrayal is a gut-wrenching emotion, and I have felt it by so many, I have resolved never to make anyone else feel it."
Too bad My Chemical Romance wasn't around back then, I'd probably have taken to it like a duck to water. The rest are poems.
9/28/98 - Ice Princess
A single light
in utter darkness.
All around me an alien world.
The Ice Princess
stands firm and proud
Guarding the doorway of my heart.
Inside,
Burning tears
pour forth with wanting, aching need.
Outside
a stone cold face
betrays no haunting dagger-like emotions.
An innocent soul
that knows too much.
To be wild or fly so free.
Bitter Ice Princess
standing inside.
Doomed to remain inside my heart
Protecting it and me
Forever.
This next one's a bit longer, more of a ballad of sorts, except it's not meant to be sung.
10/12/98 - The Lovers
The Lord and his Lady
Danced so sweetly.
Doves flew freely
As the pair were married.
Laughing ever so gaily
Their love shone like a beacon.
He was her Romeo
And she his Juliet.
The Lord and his Lady
Lived in their castle.
The stone walls were built with care
And reinforced with love.
A month passed, then two,
The news spread like wildfire.
The lovers' joy was multiplied,
The Lady was with child.
Their life was a fairy tale
Full of bliss.
But like all fairy tales
It came to an end too soon.
One stormy night
The Lord led his army.
Dark forces
Threatened his lands.
The Lady stood at her window,
Watching her champion leave.
As the tears started to fall,
A breathless prayer went up.
The Lord fought well,
Yearning to be with his beloved.
His sword gleamed
As it sliced through his enemies.
But at last the end
Finally came.
He was victorous and
So marched home proudly.
The castle stood firm
On the grassy hill.
As the Lord drew closer,
A pang hit him.
In his heart he knew
Something was wrong.
Screaming his Lady's name,
He charged into the castle.
He ran and ran
Until he stopped at last.
Within the master bedroom
There she was.
A dagger in her stomach
And one through her heart.
An assassin's work,
A job well done.
Howls, screams, sounds
Came from the Lord's throat.
His wife and child
Lifeless.
Sobbing tears of rage and grief,
He gently removed both daggers.
Quickly his hands plunged
The tools of murder into himself.
With the Lord's last breath
He lays beside her.
Taking his gentle Lady's hand
He dies with her.
The Lord and his Lady
Are dancing so sweetly.
Reunited in death by love,
The Gentle Lady and her Faithful Lord.
There were a few others I wanted to post but I can't find them yet. The main reason I have posted them is because I'm feeling the urge to write. I have to have inspiration, and now that I have it, I wrote something yesterday. I was encouraged to post it here, so what the hell.
Blossom
The seed is planted
Beneath the ground it waits.
For the right time
For the right moment
It patiently waits.
Cold refreshing water seeps in
Nourshing it's core.
Pleasant words soothe
Encouragement warms the heart.
So sudden the breakthrough
That first small stem.
Breaching the ground
Reaching for the sun.
Warm rays prompt growth
The new sprout basks in the glow.
Voices offer hope, inspiration
There is so much left to do,
To become.
Time passes at uncertain speed
Maturity, once so far away, is secured.
The petals unfold
A heady scent fills the air.
The time is right
The moment is now.
She blossoms from girl to woman
Embracing the passion within.
From such a small seed
The Lily has emerged
Strong, tall, confident
Wrapped in love's warm blanket.
She dares to stand, to tread that path
That leads to self discovery.
Alone no longer, afraid no more,
She will seek and find her true essence.
This piece is from 4/14/99, we had to choose an emotion to write about. Others chose joy, love, happiness. Me? I chose betrayal, heh.
"Betrayal is the emotion that you feel when someone has been unfaithful to you, or has disappointed you in some way, big or small. Someone has deceived, lied, cheated and generally misled you. That's betrayal. It has often been described like a knife that slices through your heart, a chair that's been pulled out from under you, a bucket of water that has been thrown over you. So many other feelings make up and come with this emotion. Hurt, sadness, anger and an overwhelming confusion. You are confused as to why the person has betrayed you. That is the biggest question: why? What reason on earth could bring a person to break another's trust? There are limitless reasons. Money is a common reason; so is love, hate, power, or a cheap laugh. But no reason is ever truly good enough to be unfaithful to someone who trusts you. People such as your spouse, your friend, your partner, your teammate can betray you. Betrayal is a gut-wrenching emotion, and I have felt it by so many, I have resolved never to make anyone else feel it."
Too bad My Chemical Romance wasn't around back then, I'd probably have taken to it like a duck to water. The rest are poems.
9/28/98 - Ice Princess
A single light
in utter darkness.
All around me an alien world.
The Ice Princess
stands firm and proud
Guarding the doorway of my heart.
Inside,
Burning tears
pour forth with wanting, aching need.
Outside
a stone cold face
betrays no haunting dagger-like emotions.
An innocent soul
that knows too much.
To be wild or fly so free.
Bitter Ice Princess
standing inside.
Doomed to remain inside my heart
Protecting it and me
Forever.
This next one's a bit longer, more of a ballad of sorts, except it's not meant to be sung.
10/12/98 - The Lovers
The Lord and his Lady
Danced so sweetly.
Doves flew freely
As the pair were married.
Laughing ever so gaily
Their love shone like a beacon.
He was her Romeo
And she his Juliet.
The Lord and his Lady
Lived in their castle.
The stone walls were built with care
And reinforced with love.
A month passed, then two,
The news spread like wildfire.
The lovers' joy was multiplied,
The Lady was with child.
Their life was a fairy tale
Full of bliss.
But like all fairy tales
It came to an end too soon.
One stormy night
The Lord led his army.
Dark forces
Threatened his lands.
The Lady stood at her window,
Watching her champion leave.
As the tears started to fall,
A breathless prayer went up.
The Lord fought well,
Yearning to be with his beloved.
His sword gleamed
As it sliced through his enemies.
But at last the end
Finally came.
He was victorous and
So marched home proudly.
The castle stood firm
On the grassy hill.
As the Lord drew closer,
A pang hit him.
In his heart he knew
Something was wrong.
Screaming his Lady's name,
He charged into the castle.
He ran and ran
Until he stopped at last.
Within the master bedroom
There she was.
A dagger in her stomach
And one through her heart.
An assassin's work,
A job well done.
Howls, screams, sounds
Came from the Lord's throat.
His wife and child
Lifeless.
Sobbing tears of rage and grief,
He gently removed both daggers.
Quickly his hands plunged
The tools of murder into himself.
With the Lord's last breath
He lays beside her.
Taking his gentle Lady's hand
He dies with her.
The Lord and his Lady
Are dancing so sweetly.
Reunited in death by love,
The Gentle Lady and her Faithful Lord.
There were a few others I wanted to post but I can't find them yet. The main reason I have posted them is because I'm feeling the urge to write. I have to have inspiration, and now that I have it, I wrote something yesterday. I was encouraged to post it here, so what the hell.
Blossom
The seed is planted
Beneath the ground it waits.
For the right time
For the right moment
It patiently waits.
Cold refreshing water seeps in
Nourshing it's core.
Pleasant words soothe
Encouragement warms the heart.
So sudden the breakthrough
That first small stem.
Breaching the ground
Reaching for the sun.
Warm rays prompt growth
The new sprout basks in the glow.
Voices offer hope, inspiration
There is so much left to do,
To become.
Time passes at uncertain speed
Maturity, once so far away, is secured.
The petals unfold
A heady scent fills the air.
The time is right
The moment is now.
She blossoms from girl to woman
Embracing the passion within.
From such a small seed
The Lily has emerged
Strong, tall, confident
Wrapped in love's warm blanket.
She dares to stand, to tread that path
That leads to self discovery.
Alone no longer, afraid no more,
She will seek and find her true essence.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
My SHIMMER Adventure
This entry took up 27 pages in my written diary, so God knows how long it'll be on here. I'm going to type from my diary, so I'll try to trim it down as much as possible. But I'll probably gush. You have been warned.
I left home Friday morning September 10th, and made it to the Rodeway Inn around 4:30 or 5:30 central time. I was on my own until Shanti got in around 7 or 8, and we found out Eric and Steven wouldn't be in until later, so we met up with a few friends of Shanti's and had dinner at Michael Anthony's. Good pizza, but I had to make do with an RC instead of a proper Coke. I was really quiet due to the fact I didn't know the guys but they were all friendly. After that, we went back to the hotel and hung out until we knew that Eric and Steven were enroute to the Inn. So we went outside and loitered on the second floor landing until their taxi pulled up. After a few minutes, two of the Brit Squad, Steve and Stew, joined us. Very nice guys, plus, me being me, I heart accents. I don't think it was too long before the taxi pulled up. After Eric & Steven got registered, they walked around the corner and saw us up on the landing. I made a complete fool out of myself by jumping up and down (which, it wouldn't be the last time I made a fool of myself this weekend...) but it was exciting by golly!
They walked up stairs and greeted the guys and hugged us. First thing out of Steven's mouth, "Oh my God Jen, you're so tiny!" That was hilarious and pretty much the concensus from everyone. That I was cute and tiny. +10 to my ego. After some chit chat, Steven wanted to walk to the gas station up the street, so me, Shanti and him walked there while Eric chatted with Stew and Steve. It was a nice night (the weather was perfect, except for Saturday morning when it rained a little, I made the right choice bringing shorts and capri pants) so the walk was enjoyable. When we got back, the Brits went to bed whilst us four gathered in E & S's room (which had a fridge, the lucky bastards! None in our room.) and hung out. I passed out the goodies I'd bought for them, because me being me, I tend to go overboard. I got goodies for them, plus Allison and Amber. I'm like a Greek - I come bearing gifts. (+10 to you if you get the reference.)
I think it was around 3 a.m. when Steven walked us to our room, where we crashed for the night. Tomorrow would be the official start of SHIMMER weekend. Little did I realize what I was in for...
Saturday, September 11. We were woken up by a call from Steven around..9:30ish, 10ish. (Normally I'm a stickler for remembering times when it comes to important stuff, but damned if I can remember this time. D'oh.) The Inn offered a complimentary breakfast, but he mentioned the Brits wanted to go to Cracker Barrel, which was 20 miles away (I think. Maybe less. But it was a drive, either way.). Me, I waffled since I'd just planned on bolting down some Frosted Flakes, grabbing a shower and getting ready to go. Nonetheless, Shanti and I threw on some clothes and headed outside to partake of the breakfast.
Only to be met with rain. SO not a happy camper at this point. Because I had stuff I needed to transport to my car and I didn't want it to get wet, and two I didn't want to look like a drowned rat and ruin my tiny top hat I'd bought special for this weekend. We hustled over to the breakfast area, where there were no waffles, but bagels and cereal. She took the former, I took the latter. Steven joined us at some point and as we were setting down and I had just taken hold of my milk carton to open it when in walks one of the Brits who'd crashed early last night and I hadn't met, Lee. He takes a look at our wares and says, in that lovely British accent, "What's that?" Being the smartass I was born to be, I replied, "Breakfast." Oh no, this wouldn't do at all apparently. We were told, in no uncertain terms, we were going to CB. We were hustled out of the breakfast area and, after meeting the last Brit, Rob, we discussed what to do.
I can't remember the timeline (again, sigh), but I do know that before we got to the Eagles Club proper, I got a shower and got myself looking decent. And we got CB. I hadn't been to one in a few years (despite having two in the area), so while everyone got breakfast items, I got a hamburger and fries. Nom nom nom! Someone commented, "That's not breakfast." Hah, I'm not a breakfast person 9 times out of 10. If there's an option to order non-breakfast food, I'm gonna do it.
I was really quiet at the table, which set the standard for the weekend mostly, because it still felt very surreal. Being there, talking with folks I'd only met in the past year online...and only the past week I'd waffled on going. Partly due to mom (see previous post), but partly because I'd never driven that far on my own and was putting myself in a vulnerable position. After all, who's to say there wasn't a serial killer in the group? (I kid, I didn't think that about anyone. But you get my point.) So, just the fact I'd grown ovaries and actually was sitting there, eating with everyone and trying to take it all in...yep, I was quiet. At one point, I was talking however, and Lee interrupted me by saying, "You need to talk more." I'm pretty sure I blinked before responding, so cleverly, "What?" "Your accent is lovely, you need to talk more!" I laughed and at that moment, started to feel largely more comfortable. I've been told that before actually, by a wonderful woman by the name of Raven, whom I'd met up in Madison, Wisconsin. She has a great medieval store and knows Becky & Aldous, so when they took me there and I was chatting with her, she said, "Keep talking." I looked at her funny until she said she just loved my accent.
It's relative, I realize, but it's only sometimes that I can tell I have an accent. The deeper South you go, the more the drawl is apparent. So when someone tells me they like my accent, I'm flattered - one of my worst fears is sounding like a hillbilly. Anyways, I'm chasing rabbits.
So at some point (we may've headed back to the hotel after CB, maybe not..timeline memory failure), we got to the Eagles Club. Holy ground, as it were. I should've taken my shoes off. After I (accidentally) stole the Brits' parking spot (and then did a helluva job parking my car.....), we were getting our accessories for the show when I realized...I'd left my damn tiny top hat (or TTH for short) at the hotel! Sonuvabitch! Epic failure on my part! I had two I'd ordered, one to wear for each day of the show, and this one was black and red velvet with a cheshire cat button on the front. Melanie had already warned Daffney that her uber fan from DD would be there, and without the hat I thought all was lost. Luckily this proved not the case, but I'm digressing.
Anyways, we got in line and it was really long by the time we got there. Doors were supposed to open at 1 with the main show starting at 2. Unbeknownst to us, just before the doors were supposed to open, MsChif suffered an injury (separated shoulder) and had to be rushed to the hospital. This caused the delay, and when we found out everyone was pretty disappointed. I'd looked forward to MsChif possibly getting her rematch against Madison Eagles, but I mostly just wanted to see and hear her in person. Mad props to her though, she got done at the hospital and came back to sign autos and sell merch at intermission, and was at both afterparties. She's a tough woman! So doors didn't open until between 2:30 and 3 but it was fine. We met Leslie aka JohnHyperion whilst waiting in line, which it's always nice to put a face to a name. Very cool guy, he is the go-to person for all things Indy/Joshi women.
Once we got in there, I took a moment to look around at the top of the stairs. I was here. I would be partaking of 6+ hours of women's wrestling in this club...for a moment, I thought, "So this must be what an Elvis fan feels when visiting Graceland for the first time." No exaggeration. The feeling was boosted by finding our seats - front row and apparently in view of the main camera. Not sure how I feel about that, we'll find out how much of my sillyness they caught when the DVDs come out I suppose. I sat inbetween Steven and Eric, and we got situated as the first dark match was a guys match.
Then it was time for the pre-show, SPARKLE. I believe there were two matches, and we got to see Mia Yim, 'Bonesaw' Jesse Brooks, Athena, Mena Libre, Taylor Made and Maya Svensson. All of them were impressive and it served to get the crowd ready for the main show. (Word of advice, don't ever piss Mia off. She will kick you and it will hurt. A lot.)
Then...it was time to tape Volumes 33 and 34. From start to finish, I was blown away. I know I tweeted somewhat during the show (which, I decided, I won't be doing at future shows. I thought about it later and decided it was rude and disrespectful to the women. All tweeting will wait until after the show is over.), but EVERY match was fucking awesome! Even some that weren't up to snuff by the people who'd been there before were still 10 times better than what you'd see in WWE or TNA. Each match got over 5 minutes and these women were actually hitting and kicking each other, there were no fake forearms - they went out there and wrestled and beat the hell outta each other! It was fantastic. There was genuine passion from all of the workers, they wanted to be there and gave their all in every match. No one "phoned it in" so to speak. I have such love and respect for these women, they won my absolute loyalty and devotion over the weekend. I can never be satisfied with what WWE and TNA give me ever again. It's impossible.
The schedule was that they taped Volume 33, then had a 20-30 minute intermission where the women came out and sold their merch, took pics and signed autographs, then taped Volume 34. It ended around 7 or 8, running longer due to the late start. But no one complained, we were all too absorbed in watching the matches.
I sat there, just absorbing all of it. I know I grabbed my head and winced whenever something would happen (Shanti said she could see me clearly on both days and found my expressions hilarious...God only knows what's gonna be on the DVD.), but I didn't really razz the heels until the second taping, I think, when I told Daizee Haze she sucked. This was right after she'd properly owned a guy for telling her the same. I expected her to rip into me but she said, "I suck?! You want some of this!?" I spread my hands and said I was right here, come get some, something like that, and she went easy on me, saying I wasn't worth it and going back after Ayumi. Later on I thought, "Oh crap, Daizee could've torn me apart.." This didn't stop me from opening my mouth, however.
Intermission was mind blowing. I actually got to meet Amber Gertner (who recognized me without Steven having to introduce us and gave me a hug) & Allison (she was standing on a chair in the corner, hawking her wares lols! She'd forgotten to wear the Hello Kitty necklace that I'd bought her but she had goodies for me - her 3 shoot DVDs and an AD shirt that only two people have. One being me. The other being her. I almost cried I was so touched!). I also met and bought merch & autos from Jamilia (she wore her mask, she's so dedicating to living the gimmick! Props to her!), Mia and....DAFFNEY! YES! SCORE! Steven introduced us, and she said, "Are you the person from DD..?" (referencing the tweet Melanie had sent her) and when I nodded, she pulled me in for a hug! I bought one of her newest t-shirts that had her and Schmeez on it. We chatted for a few minutes and I told her I couldn't boo her, to which she laughed. She has a hard time getting booed at SHIMMER (she plays the same psychotic heel as she does in TNA). She told me she had to be all snarly and heelish but she'd look for me.
She kept her word - when she came out to face Nevaeh on Volume 34, she walked around the ring, and when she saw me, she winked! It was so cool! She actually got up in someone's face on the other side of the ring, so I felt doubly flattered. Meeting her was one of the highlights of my weekend!
Also at the intermission, I picked up the PWWA Last Woman Standing (Australia's all-women's promotion) DVD and the "Joshi 4 Hope Tour" t-shirt that had Tomoka Nakagawa, Misaki Ohata and Ayumi Kurihara on the front. It's such a cute shirt! All of the Joshi women (including Ayako Hamada) were a pure pleasure to watch in the ring. They're all sticks of dynamite, small but powerful. I can't even remember all the matches, but I do remember I fell quite hard for Cat Power, telling Eric that he should marry us. Leva Bates is also a standout, mainly because she puts such effort into her outfits and takes pride in being a geek. OH and during Volume 34, Cheerleader Melissa vs Tomoka Nakagawa, Melissa slammed Tomoka headfirst into the guardrail right infront of us! It was sick but fucking awesome!
OH and one of the best parts was Serena Deeb making her return to SHIMMER in response to an open challenge from Kellie Skater!! Skater was in the ring, jaw jacking as usual, and all of the sudden Serena was there, standing behind her!!! The crowd went NUTS, I was jumping up and down like a jack rabbit on crack, the moment was electric! And during intermission, I actually got a photo & autograph with her. That woman is too sweet and humble for words. You'd think she might be a little angry at what happened, but just the opposite. Nothing but good words for the WWE and her time there. It's mind blowing just how gracious she was to the fans. She was really happy and excited to be back - and we loved having her back!
After the show was over, around 7 or 8 p.m., I picked up my Highspots order which came to around $400..well worth it, and I grabbed the 2 Manami Toyota Volumes that had just come available. Score! We gathered outside and made our way back to the cars...whereupon I discovered just how badly I'd parked. Truly my worst parking job, ever. It looked exactly how Lee had said, like it was abandoned, not parked. It was hilarious! After a quick jaunt to the hotel where I grabbed the things I'd forgotten earlier, including my TTH, we went to the afterparty location, 39Ten.
Compared to Sunday night, Saturday night's afterparty was tame. There was (crappy) music but everyone mostly ate, hung out and relaxed. I passed out the Lush gifts that Melanie had bought for the girls, I gave out the few items I'd bought, then just mingled. I saw Daffney outside and she LOVED my TTH! So much so that she had Steven take a pic of us using her phone and tweeted it out right then and there! Freaking. Awesome. She asked me why I liked her so much, I told her it's because she was unique. Her character is different. She's not another cookie cutter blonde. She can wrestle, she can cut a promo, and she's stayed true to her gimmick, not comformed to anyone's standards. She was really touched and I found out the next day that she followed me on twitter - double score! Daffney's an incredibly sweet woman, I'm so lucky I got to meet her!
That night is mostly a blur..I stuck mainly to Steven for the most part, and just kinda took it all in. We met up with Mia, Jamilia and Bonesaw and talked with them, I met Kellie Skater (who also recognized me from twitter...*floored*) and gave her the Fruity Pebbles I'd bought her. Towards the end, me and Eric bought some food and sat at a table near the front. There were still a few people there but it was winding down at that point. After awhile, everyone came over and congregated around us (everyone being the Brits, Shanti, Steven & Leslie). I was asked if I was alright, I seemed kinda down. I wasn't, it was still very surreal being there y'know? I was just taking it all in, observing while trying to not be creepy. I had a feeling that they were trying to look out for me, which I appreciated. I was very blessed to have found such good people to be friends with. That weekend I was never alone for long, they all made sure I had fun and was comfortable. My trust was infinitely validated that weekend.
We headed back to the hotel whilst the Brits tried their luck at finding a KFC (I'm not sure what they really came to Berwyn for, the wrestling or the food lol!). We hung out in Eric & Steven's room, comparing merch, surfing the 'net and just relaxed. I tweeted a bit about my experience (should've opened TwitLonger but my brain wasn't functioning). I'm not sure when Shanti and I crashed...maybe around 3 a.m. again. Saturday had been a blast. I had no idea Sunday would be even better, for several different reasons.
Sunday September 12th. Today was taping for Volumes 35 and 36. We got up around 10-10:30ish, dressed and went to a place called "The Moondance Diner." I'm not sure what got us more stares, the fact we were a multi-racial group, a multi-national group, or the fact that me, Eric, Steven and Shanti were wearing Power Rangers t-shirts. Probably all three options. One of the options on the menu was "The Legal Alien"....yeah, that's not offensive at all. Sheesh. The food wasn't even that good either.
I'd bought new fashions for this weekend. Saturday I sported my first Hello Kitty t-shirt (which got plenty of compliments) at the show then another new shirt for the afterparty. Sunday for the show I wore my Red Power Rangers shirt with black capri pants, my black & red TTH, and black tennis shoes that were actually platforms, making me a few inches taller. Apparently these shoes were fascinating as Lee had to take a picture of them. Needless to say, I was one of the best dressed people at Shimmer that weekend.
After eating, we made our way to the Eagles Club once more. The doors were to open at noon, the proper show starting at 1. They opened a little late but it wasn't as long as Saturday's wait. MsChif was there again, selling her merch - tough woman. Once we got in, lucky for me, I noticed Hamada herself in the corner, selling pictures and trading cards of her. I got a signed card and a pic with her - sweet! No line at all, I made out like a bandit.
Oh, before we got there, we made a stop at a Walgreens. We wanted to make signs but weren't sure what to write. Steven had a BRILLIANT idea - buy a white dry erase board! This sign would come in very handy through the day...
As before, the matches Sunday were phenominal. I continued to be amazed at the skill level of these women. There wasn't a bad match in my opinion (as someone pointed out, I could find a silver lining in a mushroom cloud hah!). Fortunately, my wit was on point as I came up with several things to put on the white board that got the girls' attention. For Allison Danger's match with Veronika Vice, I wrote a slogan she's fond of saying: "Own It, Tim Gunn It." She saw it at the end and actually got someone to hand her the board so she could put it in Veronika's face! I laughed so hard...and then Allison tossed it back to me and almost took my head off. Fortunately someone behind me caught it and gave it back. Allison looked horrified! It was too funny, would've been even funnier had she actually hit me! There's a picture of her holding the sign...epic win right there.
Skater had two matches, one on each volume, so my first sign for her was "Not So Rate Tank" - she erased the "Not So" part, hah. The second was "Wolverine Fears Rate Tank" which she wholly approved of. The Canadian Ninjas faced off against Jesse McKay and Tenille (both Australians), so I wrote "Aussies > Ninjas"...when Nicole saw that, she erased it and made it so it said "Aussies less than Ninjas", hah!
At intermission, I collected autographs from Daffney, Skater, Cheerleader Melissa, Ariel & Nikki Roxx. Cat Power was selling some of her old gear, the purple and black attire (no mask though, I was disappointed to find out later), so I bought it and she autographed it for me! Note to self, I still need to try that on, even though it'll give me a complex. Anyways, Eric was sweet enough to buy me an autographed photo of her! That woman is too beautiful.
Volume 36 ended with an 8 woman tag match that was labeled the "SHIMvivor Series" since it was an elimination match. Ayumi, Hamada, Melissa and Serena vs Madison, Nakagawa, Daizee and Sara Del Rey. This match has to be seen to be believed. It was un-fucking-real! At one point, Hamada photo bombed three of the women who were in the ring and Melissa broke character and laughed! If anything, this weekend highlighted just how poorly TNA is using Hamada. She has talent but she also has a great sense of humor. A tremendous match which had the whole locker room watching from the back of the club.
Once the show ended, I scored the best piece of memorabilia. Tomoka Nakagawa carries a bottle of water to the ring and if her match is going wrong, she'll spit water into her opponent's face. Same happened at the SHIMvivor Series match and the water got knocked out to the floor. After the show, I was chatting with one of the photographers, "Wrestling Wally." Very nice guy and at one point, i asked him innocently if he could hand me the bottle of water.
He did. So now, a still half way full bottle of Nakagawa's water is sitting on my bookshelf. This is a clear win for me. *Is proud*
Onto the afterparty! Eric and I needed to visit the ATM so at the Shell station across the street, I took the opportunity to change tops (switched to a tiger striped patterned silky blouse and my matching tiger striped TTH). When we got into the club...oh man. It started out relatively calm, folks mainly eating and discussing the shows. I took the opportunity to hand out the last of the gifts. After the food was done, the tables were cleared away and the DJ set up. Allison had to vacate the SHIMMER Dance Off title, so Steven held it until Skater jacked it and didn't take it off the whole night! It's now at her place in Australia, but she'll have to defend it next year!
I caught up with Daffney and gave her a pair of black cat earrings and my black and red TTH. She was so cool, Steven asked her to do a video for DD and she asked me to be in it with her! A copy of this video is now in my greedy possession..Daffney has a heart of gold. Due to her not feeling too well (and still being concussed), her and MsChif didn't hang around for too long.
I got a chance to chat with Daizee, complimenting her on her matches and how much she's done to improve women's wrestling. In a non-creeper way, I told her how awesome her body was and how much I respected her work. Fortunately she didn't think me creepy, heh, but was flattered instead. I've liked Daizee ever since I came across one of her matches online. She's so small but has spent so much time and effort becoming one of the best in North America, it's hard NOT to be impressed by her.
Also outside, Steven and I hung out with Mia, Jamilia and Bonesaw again, and we saw the three go through about 7 outtakes, trying to shoot a video which featured Jamilia and Mia talking, then Jesse coming in and staring them down. She kept bursting into giggles everytime though! It was so cute but funny as hell! Serena did a mini-interview, which had to be re-done thanks to Joey Eastman acting up in the background. Serena had NO idea anything was going on..inappropriate as all get out, but hilarious! I talked with Serena and asked her if she had any plans on coming back to OVW. She said she'd like to, not to stay of course, but to work some matches. She knew exactly where I lived and when she told me where she'd lived in Louisville 4 years ago, I knew exactly where she'd lived - 10 minutes away from me! I died a little inside at that point, realizing just how close she'd been. Ah well, you live and learn right? Meanwhile, inside the club, the party was in full swing with the music and dancing and drinking. I was one of the few people completely sober, hah.
Standout moments were:
-Athena, Jessica James and Leva Bates tore up the dance floor. Those three are serious contenders for the Dance Off title belt.
-Melissa got a lap dance from Leva (O.o)
-Melissa was dancing inbetween Shanti and Steven, and actually had Steven bent over...!
-I tried a blue drink called a "Blue Motherfucker"...tasted, as all alcoholic drinks do, like hairspray. This was the drink of choice that night. Although I tried a drink Eric was having, an Amaretto Sour, which tasted pretty good. Kinda like cherries. So I know what to order next time.
-Apparently everyone and their mother knew that Australians can drink. In particular, Kellie Skater, Jesse McKay and Madison Eagles held their liquor and partied with the best of them. I was highly impressed!
-Skater stole Jessica James' cowboy hat and wore it most of the night. When she saw me, she tried on my TTH and I tried on the cowboy hat. Damn me for not pulling out my camera and snapping a pic, she looked cute!
I danced a little, but not too much, despite Steven and Lee's attempts to get me onto the dance floor. I was mostly taking it all in, but after seeing the three aforementioned women dancing, I realized...I had no skills. And I was too stuffy to just get out there and have fun. (Which is why, next time, I may not get drunk...but I will have something to drink to loosen up.) At some point, however, the music was getting to me (the DJ had a habit of putting every song in "fast forward" so to speak, and it was annoying), so I stepped outside and actually sat in my car until my ears stopped ringing. It was around..hell, I have no idea of the time. But I hadn't spoken to mom all day so I called her just to check in and tell her what an awesome time I was having. I didn't speak to her too long, so when I hung up I just enjoyed the silence for a few minutes.
My ears stopped ringing, and I was getting my second wind when I heard someone say, "I know she is not in that car.." I looked up and saw Lee heading for my car. I'd been found out! He asked what I was doing, so I told him. "So, is your mum okay? Everything okay at home? Are you okay? Right, come on, I'm buying you a drink." Hah, I know when not to argue, so he took my hand and we went back into 39Ten. I admitted I was a bit uncomfortable, seemingly being one of the few sober people in the place. When he said he was making an effort to be soberish for my sake, I was touched. Later on, he said he remembered the first time the Brits had gone to an afterparty. They didn't know anyone and left early, so he was looking out for me to make sure I had fun. I appreciated this. And I was having fun, it was just a tad bit overwhelming.
To me, it was like partying with rockstars. But you'd never be able to do this with, say, Cena, Orton, Melina or Natalya (no matter how friendly they are outside the company). But I was getting used to the idea that these women had no airs about them. They were like everyone else - just wanted to relax and have a good time. This took some getting used to.
Anyhoo, Lee and I sat at the bar. We ordered Pepsi's, only because there were no coke products available...one of the minor fails of the evening, but ah well. We chatted a bit, and he asked if I was having fun, which I was, and if there was anything else that I wanted to do to make the experience complete. I wanted to get a pic of myself with Skater (that fell by the wayside, but no biggie), and I wanted Mercedes to chop me. I'd actually went and gotten permission from Dave Prazak himself since there was a ban on chopping (he probably thought I was stark raving mad, but I pleaded my case that it would make the weekend perfect so he relented), and Mercedes herself said to wait until more people cleared out and she'd think about it...but unfortunately she slipped by me. Damn! There's always next time...my quest to be properly chopped isn't over yet. Lee also thought I was mad, but I've never claimed otherwise so there you go. *Laugh*
Nonetheless, I can't recall exactly what we talked about after that. I believe he complimented me on how cute I looked. He was looking at me with a pecular look on his face...thats about when he leaned in and kissed me. Then he drew back and kissed me again.
You could've knocked me over with a feather. I mean, granted I'd thought he was cute when I saw him for the first time on Saturday, and his wit was sharp and very funny, but I certainly hadn't expected anything like that. I hadn't even thought about it! There were a few moments when Shanti, Eric, Steven and I were in the car and they'd teased me (I found out much later that, apparently, everyone else saw this 'spark' between us...yet we hadn't. Odd.), but I never would've thought of making any kind of move. Firstly because I'm too shy, that's always been my curse. Secondly...well, he lives in Great Britain. Not exactly smart to get too involved with someone from another country. Then again, there's moments when I'm not too bright heh. Nonetheless..I liked it. He was gentle and his lips were very soft. I felt lightheaded so I excused myself to go outside for a breath of fresh air and clear my head.
Because, I'll be honest, in a moment I had a bit of turmoil going on inside. You see, that was the first kiss I'd had, for the most part, since October 2003. Meaning, the last person I'd really kissed was Andrew. And that night, like almost every day since I got it, I was wearing his half of our necklace. Almost immediately my brain went into overdrive with guilt. I felt like I was betraying him and I felt like I'd acted improperly. Me, kissing a guy in a bar? Scandalous! Inappropriate! As strange as it may sound to anyone else, to me..it didn't seem proper. So I panicked. I almost drove back to the hotel, but I didn't go that far.
Instead, I hid out until the club had emptied out, then rejoined everyone for the ride back to the hotel. And between then and getting back to the hotel & going to my room to change shoes, I did some serious thinking. I realized, first, I had no reason to feel guilty or feel like I'd betrayed Andrew. I know him well enough that he'd never want me to think I didn't deserve to be happy. He wouldn't want me to be alone forever (because, since he'd died in 2008, I'd had that thought periodically). As a consequence, I took off the necklace and packed it in my bag. Secondly, I realized that no reason to feel like I'd acted inappropriately. This was more than likely the leftover tracings of the strict morality that'd been ingrained in me when I went to Highview Baptist. I'd done nothing wrong. And no one was going to think any less of me, not Lee, nor anyone else. Besides, it'd been a one time thing. I'd already missed out on things that had happened at the afterparty due to my hangups. I wasn't about to isolate myself on my last night with my friends. So once I had my usual comfy shoes (those black platform sneakers were a relief to get off after wearing them all day!), I grabbed my bag of snacks and headed back over to Eric & Steven's room, where we'd once again congregated.
Some of us had the munchies (for my part, I hadn't eaten since the Moondance Diner, but strangely enough I didn't feel hungry at all), so myself, Eric, Steven, Shanti and Lee headed down to the Super America and grabbed some snacks and drinks. I bought myself and Lee a coke to make up for the lack of coke products at 39Ten and it's a real good thing I'd changed shoes. The mini mart wasn't far by any stretch, but had I tried to make it in my platforms, I would've had to been carried back. (Note to self: next SHIMMER show, those shoes are staying home.)
The night air felt really good, aside from it raining for a short while Saturday morning, the weather had been pretty much perfect. Plus my allergies hadn't acted up one bit. By the time we got back, Stew, Steve and Rob had gotten back from dropping Mena Libre off at her hotel. We gathered back in E & S's room and basically crashed. Those of us who had computers or internet on their phones tweeted a bit or posted, I borrowed Eric's laptop and sent out more gushy tweets. After I passed it on, I got out my phone to check something - and promptly had it hijacked by Lee, who proceeded to look through my text messages and the misc. photos I had on there. Nosy! Then he put it in his pocket, the audacity of it all! I tried to take his phone in return but couldn't find it.
At that point he realized he'd forgotten his rucksack (backpack) in the van, and it had protective envelopes that held mine, his and Eric's autographed photos. He said he was going to go get it and asked if I wanted to come with him. Like I said, it was nice weather so I said sure. We'd be back in a few minutes tops. At least, that's what we thought...
We circled around to the side of the Inn where the cars were parked. After he got his rucksack from the trunk, he asked me if I'd like to sit out on the patio and talk. (There was an outside staircase that led up to where one of the suites was and there was a nice sized patio with chairs and a table situated.) That was fine by me, considering the weather was nice. When we sat down, I looked up and realized there were no clouds. You could see plenty of stars, and at one point I pointed out Orion. I can always tell that one by the belt, heh. It was quiet too, no wind and just the occassional car going by. We chatted about the weekend, the shows and how much fun it had been. He mentioned that he was still holding my phone hostage. I laughed and asked him what kind of ransom he was looking for. Because if it was cash, then it looked like my phone was heading overseas. (I'd spent about $700 that weekend in merch...*cough*...)
Fortunately it wasn't cash. He kissed me for a moment, but considering we were in two clunky lawn chairs sitting side by side, it wasn't the most comfortable position. So I sat in his lap, and thats where we stayed, just talking and relaxing. I told him a few things about myself I don't necessarily share with people I've, for the most part, just met. It was strange - I was totally comfortable with him, and also with myself. The hesitation and anxiety I'd felt earlier were gone. It was as if a weight was off my shoulders. And I thought, yeah, I know I'm leaving the next day and I was crazy...I didn't care though. I felt a connection with him, the things I shared with him he took to heart and didn't think they, or I, were silly or dismissive. I was seizing the moment that night. To hell with tomorrow.
And to hell with what anyone else was thinking. A couple of times, Lee mentioned that we were probably being discussed by the people we'd left behind. My response was, simply, "Let them." (Of course, I found out later that we'd been talked about a lot. A huge lot. Silly geese!) I would've been quite content to stay there the whole night. Unfortunately after my phone rang twice in a row, I had to answer it. Shanti had to get up at 7 a.m. for an 8 a.m. flight and I had the key card. I checked the time.
It was 4 a.m. We'd been outside for a good 3 hours. Talk about losing track of time! But I didn't regret the time I spent in his arms. On the contrary, this was just about the perfect way to end the weekend. It felt right somehow. Rather reluctantly we made our way back around to the main buildings, holding hands. Waiting outside were Shanti, Eric and Steven, who promptly started clapping when they saw us. I chalked it up to the fact they'd been drinking, hah. Checkout time was 11 a.m., so Shanti and I packed up and hit the hay around 5 a.m. She woke me up before she left to say goodbye.
Monday September 13th...
Next thing I know, the hotel's calling me asking if I need a few more minutes. That was putting it mildly. I managed to throw on some clothes, put the other things away that I hadn't the night before, get my hair situated and start loading things into the car. I checked out and handed back my keycards once I was sure I hadn't left anything behind. (I can get slightly paranoid that I've left something behind. Fortunately that didn't happen this time.) Along the way, Lee came out and helped me get everything squared away.
It turned out Steven and Eric didn't have to leave until 4 p.m., when their cab would arrive to take them to the airport. Now, my parents were fully expecting me to be on the road by now. However, I don't have a job that I had to be back for, so I thought, "What the hell?" We all (us three and the Brits) decided to head to Hooters for lunch. To everyone's credit, they all looked decent, despite having partied heavily the night before. Such troopers!
My TTH was still in the front of my car where I'd left it the night before. So I decided to wear it into the Hooters - why not? Besides that, Lee had mentioned he thought I'd looked very cute in it, so I slipped it on and got out of the car. His response? "You are seriously going to go into Hooters wearing your hat? That's tremendous!" Hah, and I even got a compliment from another diner! (That hat now has a place of honor, hanging off my dresser mirror in my room.) We all took some photos (that was another thing, I hadn't taken nearly as many as I should've, d'oh), and praise the Lord, they had Coke, not Pepsi. I tried buffalo wings for the first time...not bad. I picked mild sause fortunately.
After that, we headed to 7-11 at my request, because I wanted to try a Coke Slurpee. We don't have 7-11's in Kentucky (how stupid is that?!), and I wasn't leaving this state without trying one. I bought one for myself and one for Lee and, hesitantly, tried it. Pretty good! But now if I really want one, I have to go up into Indiana to get it. Sigh. My state is so behind. After that, back to the hotel, where we hung out in Rob and Lee's room, where most of us were on our phones heh. The Brits mentioned they were going to take Rob to the Sears Tower later that day since he hadn't been there before. And yes, I know it's not the Sears Tower anymore, but I can't be fussed to learn the new name.
All too soon the cab pulled up for Steven and Eric. I got a nice picture of myself with them and sent them off with a hug. Once they drove off, I had to make myself leave so I wouldn't hold up the guys. Lee wanted a picture with me, so Steve took two with both of our cameras. I went back inside the room just to make sure I hadn't left anything, then after hugging everyone goodbye, Lee wanted me to my car. We kissed each other goodbye and, after a long hug and him telling me to be safe, I got in the car, programmed my GPS for the house (which took a stupidly long time, sheesh), and backed out. I blew him a kiss, which he returned, and he watched me drive off until I turned the corner and was out of sight. That gesture really moved me.
To my credit, I didn't start crying until I was a few miles away and on the highway towards Indiana. And even then, it wasn't very much, and it wasn't sad tears. Rather, it was because I was truly happy...happier than I had been in a long, long time. My first road trip had been a complete success. I got home about 11:30p.m. and only stopped once to eat. No accidents, no getting lost or turned around. I had met an amazing group of people, seen over 15 hours of the best female wrestling I'd ever seen in my life, and found a connection with someone - the last item being something I hadn't even been looking for. One of life's little curveballs, methinks. But hey, nothing's ever been simple when it concerns my relationships. This isn't any different - infact, I'm used to it. But I'm also capable of great patience. So we'll see what happens.
So that's my adventure. Here's a link to my Flickr account, where I put all my pics (including pics & descriptions of all the merch I bought): http://www.flickr.com/photos/34197939@N04/
I'm eagerly looking forward to the next SHIMMER show. I'll be there, no matter what steps I have to take to get the cash together. That's the thing, once you go to a taping, you won't want to miss another one! My love and thanks to everyone who looked out for me and helped me have the best time. Truly this was one of the best experiences of my life!
I left home Friday morning September 10th, and made it to the Rodeway Inn around 4:30 or 5:30 central time. I was on my own until Shanti got in around 7 or 8, and we found out Eric and Steven wouldn't be in until later, so we met up with a few friends of Shanti's and had dinner at Michael Anthony's. Good pizza, but I had to make do with an RC instead of a proper Coke. I was really quiet due to the fact I didn't know the guys but they were all friendly. After that, we went back to the hotel and hung out until we knew that Eric and Steven were enroute to the Inn. So we went outside and loitered on the second floor landing until their taxi pulled up. After a few minutes, two of the Brit Squad, Steve and Stew, joined us. Very nice guys, plus, me being me, I heart accents. I don't think it was too long before the taxi pulled up. After Eric & Steven got registered, they walked around the corner and saw us up on the landing. I made a complete fool out of myself by jumping up and down (which, it wouldn't be the last time I made a fool of myself this weekend...) but it was exciting by golly!
They walked up stairs and greeted the guys and hugged us. First thing out of Steven's mouth, "Oh my God Jen, you're so tiny!" That was hilarious and pretty much the concensus from everyone. That I was cute and tiny. +10 to my ego. After some chit chat, Steven wanted to walk to the gas station up the street, so me, Shanti and him walked there while Eric chatted with Stew and Steve. It was a nice night (the weather was perfect, except for Saturday morning when it rained a little, I made the right choice bringing shorts and capri pants) so the walk was enjoyable. When we got back, the Brits went to bed whilst us four gathered in E & S's room (which had a fridge, the lucky bastards! None in our room.) and hung out. I passed out the goodies I'd bought for them, because me being me, I tend to go overboard. I got goodies for them, plus Allison and Amber. I'm like a Greek - I come bearing gifts. (+10 to you if you get the reference.)
I think it was around 3 a.m. when Steven walked us to our room, where we crashed for the night. Tomorrow would be the official start of SHIMMER weekend. Little did I realize what I was in for...
Saturday, September 11. We were woken up by a call from Steven around..9:30ish, 10ish. (Normally I'm a stickler for remembering times when it comes to important stuff, but damned if I can remember this time. D'oh.) The Inn offered a complimentary breakfast, but he mentioned the Brits wanted to go to Cracker Barrel, which was 20 miles away (I think. Maybe less. But it was a drive, either way.). Me, I waffled since I'd just planned on bolting down some Frosted Flakes, grabbing a shower and getting ready to go. Nonetheless, Shanti and I threw on some clothes and headed outside to partake of the breakfast.
Only to be met with rain. SO not a happy camper at this point. Because I had stuff I needed to transport to my car and I didn't want it to get wet, and two I didn't want to look like a drowned rat and ruin my tiny top hat I'd bought special for this weekend. We hustled over to the breakfast area, where there were no waffles, but bagels and cereal. She took the former, I took the latter. Steven joined us at some point and as we were setting down and I had just taken hold of my milk carton to open it when in walks one of the Brits who'd crashed early last night and I hadn't met, Lee. He takes a look at our wares and says, in that lovely British accent, "What's that?" Being the smartass I was born to be, I replied, "Breakfast." Oh no, this wouldn't do at all apparently. We were told, in no uncertain terms, we were going to CB. We were hustled out of the breakfast area and, after meeting the last Brit, Rob, we discussed what to do.
I can't remember the timeline (again, sigh), but I do know that before we got to the Eagles Club proper, I got a shower and got myself looking decent. And we got CB. I hadn't been to one in a few years (despite having two in the area), so while everyone got breakfast items, I got a hamburger and fries. Nom nom nom! Someone commented, "That's not breakfast." Hah, I'm not a breakfast person 9 times out of 10. If there's an option to order non-breakfast food, I'm gonna do it.
I was really quiet at the table, which set the standard for the weekend mostly, because it still felt very surreal. Being there, talking with folks I'd only met in the past year online...and only the past week I'd waffled on going. Partly due to mom (see previous post), but partly because I'd never driven that far on my own and was putting myself in a vulnerable position. After all, who's to say there wasn't a serial killer in the group? (I kid, I didn't think that about anyone. But you get my point.) So, just the fact I'd grown ovaries and actually was sitting there, eating with everyone and trying to take it all in...yep, I was quiet. At one point, I was talking however, and Lee interrupted me by saying, "You need to talk more." I'm pretty sure I blinked before responding, so cleverly, "What?" "Your accent is lovely, you need to talk more!" I laughed and at that moment, started to feel largely more comfortable. I've been told that before actually, by a wonderful woman by the name of Raven, whom I'd met up in Madison, Wisconsin. She has a great medieval store and knows Becky & Aldous, so when they took me there and I was chatting with her, she said, "Keep talking." I looked at her funny until she said she just loved my accent.
It's relative, I realize, but it's only sometimes that I can tell I have an accent. The deeper South you go, the more the drawl is apparent. So when someone tells me they like my accent, I'm flattered - one of my worst fears is sounding like a hillbilly. Anyways, I'm chasing rabbits.
So at some point (we may've headed back to the hotel after CB, maybe not..timeline memory failure), we got to the Eagles Club. Holy ground, as it were. I should've taken my shoes off. After I (accidentally) stole the Brits' parking spot (and then did a helluva job parking my car.....), we were getting our accessories for the show when I realized...I'd left my damn tiny top hat (or TTH for short) at the hotel! Sonuvabitch! Epic failure on my part! I had two I'd ordered, one to wear for each day of the show, and this one was black and red velvet with a cheshire cat button on the front. Melanie had already warned Daffney that her uber fan from DD would be there, and without the hat I thought all was lost. Luckily this proved not the case, but I'm digressing.
Anyways, we got in line and it was really long by the time we got there. Doors were supposed to open at 1 with the main show starting at 2. Unbeknownst to us, just before the doors were supposed to open, MsChif suffered an injury (separated shoulder) and had to be rushed to the hospital. This caused the delay, and when we found out everyone was pretty disappointed. I'd looked forward to MsChif possibly getting her rematch against Madison Eagles, but I mostly just wanted to see and hear her in person. Mad props to her though, she got done at the hospital and came back to sign autos and sell merch at intermission, and was at both afterparties. She's a tough woman! So doors didn't open until between 2:30 and 3 but it was fine. We met Leslie aka JohnHyperion whilst waiting in line, which it's always nice to put a face to a name. Very cool guy, he is the go-to person for all things Indy/Joshi women.
Once we got in there, I took a moment to look around at the top of the stairs. I was here. I would be partaking of 6+ hours of women's wrestling in this club...for a moment, I thought, "So this must be what an Elvis fan feels when visiting Graceland for the first time." No exaggeration. The feeling was boosted by finding our seats - front row and apparently in view of the main camera. Not sure how I feel about that, we'll find out how much of my sillyness they caught when the DVDs come out I suppose. I sat inbetween Steven and Eric, and we got situated as the first dark match was a guys match.
Then it was time for the pre-show, SPARKLE. I believe there were two matches, and we got to see Mia Yim, 'Bonesaw' Jesse Brooks, Athena, Mena Libre, Taylor Made and Maya Svensson. All of them were impressive and it served to get the crowd ready for the main show. (Word of advice, don't ever piss Mia off. She will kick you and it will hurt. A lot.)
Then...it was time to tape Volumes 33 and 34. From start to finish, I was blown away. I know I tweeted somewhat during the show (which, I decided, I won't be doing at future shows. I thought about it later and decided it was rude and disrespectful to the women. All tweeting will wait until after the show is over.), but EVERY match was fucking awesome! Even some that weren't up to snuff by the people who'd been there before were still 10 times better than what you'd see in WWE or TNA. Each match got over 5 minutes and these women were actually hitting and kicking each other, there were no fake forearms - they went out there and wrestled and beat the hell outta each other! It was fantastic. There was genuine passion from all of the workers, they wanted to be there and gave their all in every match. No one "phoned it in" so to speak. I have such love and respect for these women, they won my absolute loyalty and devotion over the weekend. I can never be satisfied with what WWE and TNA give me ever again. It's impossible.
The schedule was that they taped Volume 33, then had a 20-30 minute intermission where the women came out and sold their merch, took pics and signed autographs, then taped Volume 34. It ended around 7 or 8, running longer due to the late start. But no one complained, we were all too absorbed in watching the matches.
I sat there, just absorbing all of it. I know I grabbed my head and winced whenever something would happen (Shanti said she could see me clearly on both days and found my expressions hilarious...God only knows what's gonna be on the DVD.), but I didn't really razz the heels until the second taping, I think, when I told Daizee Haze she sucked. This was right after she'd properly owned a guy for telling her the same. I expected her to rip into me but she said, "I suck?! You want some of this!?" I spread my hands and said I was right here, come get some, something like that, and she went easy on me, saying I wasn't worth it and going back after Ayumi. Later on I thought, "Oh crap, Daizee could've torn me apart.." This didn't stop me from opening my mouth, however.
Intermission was mind blowing. I actually got to meet Amber Gertner (who recognized me without Steven having to introduce us and gave me a hug) & Allison (she was standing on a chair in the corner, hawking her wares lols! She'd forgotten to wear the Hello Kitty necklace that I'd bought her but she had goodies for me - her 3 shoot DVDs and an AD shirt that only two people have. One being me. The other being her. I almost cried I was so touched!). I also met and bought merch & autos from Jamilia (she wore her mask, she's so dedicating to living the gimmick! Props to her!), Mia and....DAFFNEY! YES! SCORE! Steven introduced us, and she said, "Are you the person from DD..?" (referencing the tweet Melanie had sent her) and when I nodded, she pulled me in for a hug! I bought one of her newest t-shirts that had her and Schmeez on it. We chatted for a few minutes and I told her I couldn't boo her, to which she laughed. She has a hard time getting booed at SHIMMER (she plays the same psychotic heel as she does in TNA). She told me she had to be all snarly and heelish but she'd look for me.
She kept her word - when she came out to face Nevaeh on Volume 34, she walked around the ring, and when she saw me, she winked! It was so cool! She actually got up in someone's face on the other side of the ring, so I felt doubly flattered. Meeting her was one of the highlights of my weekend!
Also at the intermission, I picked up the PWWA Last Woman Standing (Australia's all-women's promotion) DVD and the "Joshi 4 Hope Tour" t-shirt that had Tomoka Nakagawa, Misaki Ohata and Ayumi Kurihara on the front. It's such a cute shirt! All of the Joshi women (including Ayako Hamada) were a pure pleasure to watch in the ring. They're all sticks of dynamite, small but powerful. I can't even remember all the matches, but I do remember I fell quite hard for Cat Power, telling Eric that he should marry us. Leva Bates is also a standout, mainly because she puts such effort into her outfits and takes pride in being a geek. OH and during Volume 34, Cheerleader Melissa vs Tomoka Nakagawa, Melissa slammed Tomoka headfirst into the guardrail right infront of us! It was sick but fucking awesome!
OH and one of the best parts was Serena Deeb making her return to SHIMMER in response to an open challenge from Kellie Skater!! Skater was in the ring, jaw jacking as usual, and all of the sudden Serena was there, standing behind her!!! The crowd went NUTS, I was jumping up and down like a jack rabbit on crack, the moment was electric! And during intermission, I actually got a photo & autograph with her. That woman is too sweet and humble for words. You'd think she might be a little angry at what happened, but just the opposite. Nothing but good words for the WWE and her time there. It's mind blowing just how gracious she was to the fans. She was really happy and excited to be back - and we loved having her back!
After the show was over, around 7 or 8 p.m., I picked up my Highspots order which came to around $400..well worth it, and I grabbed the 2 Manami Toyota Volumes that had just come available. Score! We gathered outside and made our way back to the cars...whereupon I discovered just how badly I'd parked. Truly my worst parking job, ever. It looked exactly how Lee had said, like it was abandoned, not parked. It was hilarious! After a quick jaunt to the hotel where I grabbed the things I'd forgotten earlier, including my TTH, we went to the afterparty location, 39Ten.
Compared to Sunday night, Saturday night's afterparty was tame. There was (crappy) music but everyone mostly ate, hung out and relaxed. I passed out the Lush gifts that Melanie had bought for the girls, I gave out the few items I'd bought, then just mingled. I saw Daffney outside and she LOVED my TTH! So much so that she had Steven take a pic of us using her phone and tweeted it out right then and there! Freaking. Awesome. She asked me why I liked her so much, I told her it's because she was unique. Her character is different. She's not another cookie cutter blonde. She can wrestle, she can cut a promo, and she's stayed true to her gimmick, not comformed to anyone's standards. She was really touched and I found out the next day that she followed me on twitter - double score! Daffney's an incredibly sweet woman, I'm so lucky I got to meet her!
That night is mostly a blur..I stuck mainly to Steven for the most part, and just kinda took it all in. We met up with Mia, Jamilia and Bonesaw and talked with them, I met Kellie Skater (who also recognized me from twitter...*floored*) and gave her the Fruity Pebbles I'd bought her. Towards the end, me and Eric bought some food and sat at a table near the front. There were still a few people there but it was winding down at that point. After awhile, everyone came over and congregated around us (everyone being the Brits, Shanti, Steven & Leslie). I was asked if I was alright, I seemed kinda down. I wasn't, it was still very surreal being there y'know? I was just taking it all in, observing while trying to not be creepy. I had a feeling that they were trying to look out for me, which I appreciated. I was very blessed to have found such good people to be friends with. That weekend I was never alone for long, they all made sure I had fun and was comfortable. My trust was infinitely validated that weekend.
We headed back to the hotel whilst the Brits tried their luck at finding a KFC (I'm not sure what they really came to Berwyn for, the wrestling or the food lol!). We hung out in Eric & Steven's room, comparing merch, surfing the 'net and just relaxed. I tweeted a bit about my experience (should've opened TwitLonger but my brain wasn't functioning). I'm not sure when Shanti and I crashed...maybe around 3 a.m. again. Saturday had been a blast. I had no idea Sunday would be even better, for several different reasons.
Sunday September 12th. Today was taping for Volumes 35 and 36. We got up around 10-10:30ish, dressed and went to a place called "The Moondance Diner." I'm not sure what got us more stares, the fact we were a multi-racial group, a multi-national group, or the fact that me, Eric, Steven and Shanti were wearing Power Rangers t-shirts. Probably all three options. One of the options on the menu was "The Legal Alien"....yeah, that's not offensive at all. Sheesh. The food wasn't even that good either.
I'd bought new fashions for this weekend. Saturday I sported my first Hello Kitty t-shirt (which got plenty of compliments) at the show then another new shirt for the afterparty. Sunday for the show I wore my Red Power Rangers shirt with black capri pants, my black & red TTH, and black tennis shoes that were actually platforms, making me a few inches taller. Apparently these shoes were fascinating as Lee had to take a picture of them. Needless to say, I was one of the best dressed people at Shimmer that weekend.
After eating, we made our way to the Eagles Club once more. The doors were to open at noon, the proper show starting at 1. They opened a little late but it wasn't as long as Saturday's wait. MsChif was there again, selling her merch - tough woman. Once we got in, lucky for me, I noticed Hamada herself in the corner, selling pictures and trading cards of her. I got a signed card and a pic with her - sweet! No line at all, I made out like a bandit.
Oh, before we got there, we made a stop at a Walgreens. We wanted to make signs but weren't sure what to write. Steven had a BRILLIANT idea - buy a white dry erase board! This sign would come in very handy through the day...
As before, the matches Sunday were phenominal. I continued to be amazed at the skill level of these women. There wasn't a bad match in my opinion (as someone pointed out, I could find a silver lining in a mushroom cloud hah!). Fortunately, my wit was on point as I came up with several things to put on the white board that got the girls' attention. For Allison Danger's match with Veronika Vice, I wrote a slogan she's fond of saying: "Own It, Tim Gunn It." She saw it at the end and actually got someone to hand her the board so she could put it in Veronika's face! I laughed so hard...and then Allison tossed it back to me and almost took my head off. Fortunately someone behind me caught it and gave it back. Allison looked horrified! It was too funny, would've been even funnier had she actually hit me! There's a picture of her holding the sign...epic win right there.
Skater had two matches, one on each volume, so my first sign for her was "Not So Rate Tank" - she erased the "Not So" part, hah. The second was "Wolverine Fears Rate Tank" which she wholly approved of. The Canadian Ninjas faced off against Jesse McKay and Tenille (both Australians), so I wrote "Aussies > Ninjas"...when Nicole saw that, she erased it and made it so it said "Aussies less than Ninjas", hah!
At intermission, I collected autographs from Daffney, Skater, Cheerleader Melissa, Ariel & Nikki Roxx. Cat Power was selling some of her old gear, the purple and black attire (no mask though, I was disappointed to find out later), so I bought it and she autographed it for me! Note to self, I still need to try that on, even though it'll give me a complex. Anyways, Eric was sweet enough to buy me an autographed photo of her! That woman is too beautiful.
Volume 36 ended with an 8 woman tag match that was labeled the "SHIMvivor Series" since it was an elimination match. Ayumi, Hamada, Melissa and Serena vs Madison, Nakagawa, Daizee and Sara Del Rey. This match has to be seen to be believed. It was un-fucking-real! At one point, Hamada photo bombed three of the women who were in the ring and Melissa broke character and laughed! If anything, this weekend highlighted just how poorly TNA is using Hamada. She has talent but she also has a great sense of humor. A tremendous match which had the whole locker room watching from the back of the club.
Once the show ended, I scored the best piece of memorabilia. Tomoka Nakagawa carries a bottle of water to the ring and if her match is going wrong, she'll spit water into her opponent's face. Same happened at the SHIMvivor Series match and the water got knocked out to the floor. After the show, I was chatting with one of the photographers, "Wrestling Wally." Very nice guy and at one point, i asked him innocently if he could hand me the bottle of water.
He did. So now, a still half way full bottle of Nakagawa's water is sitting on my bookshelf. This is a clear win for me. *Is proud*
Onto the afterparty! Eric and I needed to visit the ATM so at the Shell station across the street, I took the opportunity to change tops (switched to a tiger striped patterned silky blouse and my matching tiger striped TTH). When we got into the club...oh man. It started out relatively calm, folks mainly eating and discussing the shows. I took the opportunity to hand out the last of the gifts. After the food was done, the tables were cleared away and the DJ set up. Allison had to vacate the SHIMMER Dance Off title, so Steven held it until Skater jacked it and didn't take it off the whole night! It's now at her place in Australia, but she'll have to defend it next year!
I caught up with Daffney and gave her a pair of black cat earrings and my black and red TTH. She was so cool, Steven asked her to do a video for DD and she asked me to be in it with her! A copy of this video is now in my greedy possession..Daffney has a heart of gold. Due to her not feeling too well (and still being concussed), her and MsChif didn't hang around for too long.
I got a chance to chat with Daizee, complimenting her on her matches and how much she's done to improve women's wrestling. In a non-creeper way, I told her how awesome her body was and how much I respected her work. Fortunately she didn't think me creepy, heh, but was flattered instead. I've liked Daizee ever since I came across one of her matches online. She's so small but has spent so much time and effort becoming one of the best in North America, it's hard NOT to be impressed by her.
Also outside, Steven and I hung out with Mia, Jamilia and Bonesaw again, and we saw the three go through about 7 outtakes, trying to shoot a video which featured Jamilia and Mia talking, then Jesse coming in and staring them down. She kept bursting into giggles everytime though! It was so cute but funny as hell! Serena did a mini-interview, which had to be re-done thanks to Joey Eastman acting up in the background. Serena had NO idea anything was going on..inappropriate as all get out, but hilarious! I talked with Serena and asked her if she had any plans on coming back to OVW. She said she'd like to, not to stay of course, but to work some matches. She knew exactly where I lived and when she told me where she'd lived in Louisville 4 years ago, I knew exactly where she'd lived - 10 minutes away from me! I died a little inside at that point, realizing just how close she'd been. Ah well, you live and learn right? Meanwhile, inside the club, the party was in full swing with the music and dancing and drinking. I was one of the few people completely sober, hah.
Standout moments were:
-Athena, Jessica James and Leva Bates tore up the dance floor. Those three are serious contenders for the Dance Off title belt.
-Melissa got a lap dance from Leva (O.o)
-Melissa was dancing inbetween Shanti and Steven, and actually had Steven bent over...!
-I tried a blue drink called a "Blue Motherfucker"...tasted, as all alcoholic drinks do, like hairspray. This was the drink of choice that night. Although I tried a drink Eric was having, an Amaretto Sour, which tasted pretty good. Kinda like cherries. So I know what to order next time.
-Apparently everyone and their mother knew that Australians can drink. In particular, Kellie Skater, Jesse McKay and Madison Eagles held their liquor and partied with the best of them. I was highly impressed!
-Skater stole Jessica James' cowboy hat and wore it most of the night. When she saw me, she tried on my TTH and I tried on the cowboy hat. Damn me for not pulling out my camera and snapping a pic, she looked cute!
I danced a little, but not too much, despite Steven and Lee's attempts to get me onto the dance floor. I was mostly taking it all in, but after seeing the three aforementioned women dancing, I realized...I had no skills. And I was too stuffy to just get out there and have fun. (Which is why, next time, I may not get drunk...but I will have something to drink to loosen up.) At some point, however, the music was getting to me (the DJ had a habit of putting every song in "fast forward" so to speak, and it was annoying), so I stepped outside and actually sat in my car until my ears stopped ringing. It was around..hell, I have no idea of the time. But I hadn't spoken to mom all day so I called her just to check in and tell her what an awesome time I was having. I didn't speak to her too long, so when I hung up I just enjoyed the silence for a few minutes.
My ears stopped ringing, and I was getting my second wind when I heard someone say, "I know she is not in that car.." I looked up and saw Lee heading for my car. I'd been found out! He asked what I was doing, so I told him. "So, is your mum okay? Everything okay at home? Are you okay? Right, come on, I'm buying you a drink." Hah, I know when not to argue, so he took my hand and we went back into 39Ten. I admitted I was a bit uncomfortable, seemingly being one of the few sober people in the place. When he said he was making an effort to be soberish for my sake, I was touched. Later on, he said he remembered the first time the Brits had gone to an afterparty. They didn't know anyone and left early, so he was looking out for me to make sure I had fun. I appreciated this. And I was having fun, it was just a tad bit overwhelming.
To me, it was like partying with rockstars. But you'd never be able to do this with, say, Cena, Orton, Melina or Natalya (no matter how friendly they are outside the company). But I was getting used to the idea that these women had no airs about them. They were like everyone else - just wanted to relax and have a good time. This took some getting used to.
Anyhoo, Lee and I sat at the bar. We ordered Pepsi's, only because there were no coke products available...one of the minor fails of the evening, but ah well. We chatted a bit, and he asked if I was having fun, which I was, and if there was anything else that I wanted to do to make the experience complete. I wanted to get a pic of myself with Skater (that fell by the wayside, but no biggie), and I wanted Mercedes to chop me. I'd actually went and gotten permission from Dave Prazak himself since there was a ban on chopping (he probably thought I was stark raving mad, but I pleaded my case that it would make the weekend perfect so he relented), and Mercedes herself said to wait until more people cleared out and she'd think about it...but unfortunately she slipped by me. Damn! There's always next time...my quest to be properly chopped isn't over yet. Lee also thought I was mad, but I've never claimed otherwise so there you go. *Laugh*
Nonetheless, I can't recall exactly what we talked about after that. I believe he complimented me on how cute I looked. He was looking at me with a pecular look on his face...thats about when he leaned in and kissed me. Then he drew back and kissed me again.
You could've knocked me over with a feather. I mean, granted I'd thought he was cute when I saw him for the first time on Saturday, and his wit was sharp and very funny, but I certainly hadn't expected anything like that. I hadn't even thought about it! There were a few moments when Shanti, Eric, Steven and I were in the car and they'd teased me (I found out much later that, apparently, everyone else saw this 'spark' between us...yet we hadn't. Odd.), but I never would've thought of making any kind of move. Firstly because I'm too shy, that's always been my curse. Secondly...well, he lives in Great Britain. Not exactly smart to get too involved with someone from another country. Then again, there's moments when I'm not too bright heh. Nonetheless..I liked it. He was gentle and his lips were very soft. I felt lightheaded so I excused myself to go outside for a breath of fresh air and clear my head.
Because, I'll be honest, in a moment I had a bit of turmoil going on inside. You see, that was the first kiss I'd had, for the most part, since October 2003. Meaning, the last person I'd really kissed was Andrew. And that night, like almost every day since I got it, I was wearing his half of our necklace. Almost immediately my brain went into overdrive with guilt. I felt like I was betraying him and I felt like I'd acted improperly. Me, kissing a guy in a bar? Scandalous! Inappropriate! As strange as it may sound to anyone else, to me..it didn't seem proper. So I panicked. I almost drove back to the hotel, but I didn't go that far.
Instead, I hid out until the club had emptied out, then rejoined everyone for the ride back to the hotel. And between then and getting back to the hotel & going to my room to change shoes, I did some serious thinking. I realized, first, I had no reason to feel guilty or feel like I'd betrayed Andrew. I know him well enough that he'd never want me to think I didn't deserve to be happy. He wouldn't want me to be alone forever (because, since he'd died in 2008, I'd had that thought periodically). As a consequence, I took off the necklace and packed it in my bag. Secondly, I realized that no reason to feel like I'd acted inappropriately. This was more than likely the leftover tracings of the strict morality that'd been ingrained in me when I went to Highview Baptist. I'd done nothing wrong. And no one was going to think any less of me, not Lee, nor anyone else. Besides, it'd been a one time thing. I'd already missed out on things that had happened at the afterparty due to my hangups. I wasn't about to isolate myself on my last night with my friends. So once I had my usual comfy shoes (those black platform sneakers were a relief to get off after wearing them all day!), I grabbed my bag of snacks and headed back over to Eric & Steven's room, where we'd once again congregated.
Some of us had the munchies (for my part, I hadn't eaten since the Moondance Diner, but strangely enough I didn't feel hungry at all), so myself, Eric, Steven, Shanti and Lee headed down to the Super America and grabbed some snacks and drinks. I bought myself and Lee a coke to make up for the lack of coke products at 39Ten and it's a real good thing I'd changed shoes. The mini mart wasn't far by any stretch, but had I tried to make it in my platforms, I would've had to been carried back. (Note to self: next SHIMMER show, those shoes are staying home.)
The night air felt really good, aside from it raining for a short while Saturday morning, the weather had been pretty much perfect. Plus my allergies hadn't acted up one bit. By the time we got back, Stew, Steve and Rob had gotten back from dropping Mena Libre off at her hotel. We gathered back in E & S's room and basically crashed. Those of us who had computers or internet on their phones tweeted a bit or posted, I borrowed Eric's laptop and sent out more gushy tweets. After I passed it on, I got out my phone to check something - and promptly had it hijacked by Lee, who proceeded to look through my text messages and the misc. photos I had on there. Nosy! Then he put it in his pocket, the audacity of it all! I tried to take his phone in return but couldn't find it.
At that point he realized he'd forgotten his rucksack (backpack) in the van, and it had protective envelopes that held mine, his and Eric's autographed photos. He said he was going to go get it and asked if I wanted to come with him. Like I said, it was nice weather so I said sure. We'd be back in a few minutes tops. At least, that's what we thought...
We circled around to the side of the Inn where the cars were parked. After he got his rucksack from the trunk, he asked me if I'd like to sit out on the patio and talk. (There was an outside staircase that led up to where one of the suites was and there was a nice sized patio with chairs and a table situated.) That was fine by me, considering the weather was nice. When we sat down, I looked up and realized there were no clouds. You could see plenty of stars, and at one point I pointed out Orion. I can always tell that one by the belt, heh. It was quiet too, no wind and just the occassional car going by. We chatted about the weekend, the shows and how much fun it had been. He mentioned that he was still holding my phone hostage. I laughed and asked him what kind of ransom he was looking for. Because if it was cash, then it looked like my phone was heading overseas. (I'd spent about $700 that weekend in merch...*cough*...)
Fortunately it wasn't cash. He kissed me for a moment, but considering we were in two clunky lawn chairs sitting side by side, it wasn't the most comfortable position. So I sat in his lap, and thats where we stayed, just talking and relaxing. I told him a few things about myself I don't necessarily share with people I've, for the most part, just met. It was strange - I was totally comfortable with him, and also with myself. The hesitation and anxiety I'd felt earlier were gone. It was as if a weight was off my shoulders. And I thought, yeah, I know I'm leaving the next day and I was crazy...I didn't care though. I felt a connection with him, the things I shared with him he took to heart and didn't think they, or I, were silly or dismissive. I was seizing the moment that night. To hell with tomorrow.
And to hell with what anyone else was thinking. A couple of times, Lee mentioned that we were probably being discussed by the people we'd left behind. My response was, simply, "Let them." (Of course, I found out later that we'd been talked about a lot. A huge lot. Silly geese!) I would've been quite content to stay there the whole night. Unfortunately after my phone rang twice in a row, I had to answer it. Shanti had to get up at 7 a.m. for an 8 a.m. flight and I had the key card. I checked the time.
It was 4 a.m. We'd been outside for a good 3 hours. Talk about losing track of time! But I didn't regret the time I spent in his arms. On the contrary, this was just about the perfect way to end the weekend. It felt right somehow. Rather reluctantly we made our way back around to the main buildings, holding hands. Waiting outside were Shanti, Eric and Steven, who promptly started clapping when they saw us. I chalked it up to the fact they'd been drinking, hah. Checkout time was 11 a.m., so Shanti and I packed up and hit the hay around 5 a.m. She woke me up before she left to say goodbye.
Monday September 13th...
Next thing I know, the hotel's calling me asking if I need a few more minutes. That was putting it mildly. I managed to throw on some clothes, put the other things away that I hadn't the night before, get my hair situated and start loading things into the car. I checked out and handed back my keycards once I was sure I hadn't left anything behind. (I can get slightly paranoid that I've left something behind. Fortunately that didn't happen this time.) Along the way, Lee came out and helped me get everything squared away.
It turned out Steven and Eric didn't have to leave until 4 p.m., when their cab would arrive to take them to the airport. Now, my parents were fully expecting me to be on the road by now. However, I don't have a job that I had to be back for, so I thought, "What the hell?" We all (us three and the Brits) decided to head to Hooters for lunch. To everyone's credit, they all looked decent, despite having partied heavily the night before. Such troopers!
My TTH was still in the front of my car where I'd left it the night before. So I decided to wear it into the Hooters - why not? Besides that, Lee had mentioned he thought I'd looked very cute in it, so I slipped it on and got out of the car. His response? "You are seriously going to go into Hooters wearing your hat? That's tremendous!" Hah, and I even got a compliment from another diner! (That hat now has a place of honor, hanging off my dresser mirror in my room.) We all took some photos (that was another thing, I hadn't taken nearly as many as I should've, d'oh), and praise the Lord, they had Coke, not Pepsi. I tried buffalo wings for the first time...not bad. I picked mild sause fortunately.
After that, we headed to 7-11 at my request, because I wanted to try a Coke Slurpee. We don't have 7-11's in Kentucky (how stupid is that?!), and I wasn't leaving this state without trying one. I bought one for myself and one for Lee and, hesitantly, tried it. Pretty good! But now if I really want one, I have to go up into Indiana to get it. Sigh. My state is so behind. After that, back to the hotel, where we hung out in Rob and Lee's room, where most of us were on our phones heh. The Brits mentioned they were going to take Rob to the Sears Tower later that day since he hadn't been there before. And yes, I know it's not the Sears Tower anymore, but I can't be fussed to learn the new name.
All too soon the cab pulled up for Steven and Eric. I got a nice picture of myself with them and sent them off with a hug. Once they drove off, I had to make myself leave so I wouldn't hold up the guys. Lee wanted a picture with me, so Steve took two with both of our cameras. I went back inside the room just to make sure I hadn't left anything, then after hugging everyone goodbye, Lee wanted me to my car. We kissed each other goodbye and, after a long hug and him telling me to be safe, I got in the car, programmed my GPS for the house (which took a stupidly long time, sheesh), and backed out. I blew him a kiss, which he returned, and he watched me drive off until I turned the corner and was out of sight. That gesture really moved me.
To my credit, I didn't start crying until I was a few miles away and on the highway towards Indiana. And even then, it wasn't very much, and it wasn't sad tears. Rather, it was because I was truly happy...happier than I had been in a long, long time. My first road trip had been a complete success. I got home about 11:30p.m. and only stopped once to eat. No accidents, no getting lost or turned around. I had met an amazing group of people, seen over 15 hours of the best female wrestling I'd ever seen in my life, and found a connection with someone - the last item being something I hadn't even been looking for. One of life's little curveballs, methinks. But hey, nothing's ever been simple when it concerns my relationships. This isn't any different - infact, I'm used to it. But I'm also capable of great patience. So we'll see what happens.
So that's my adventure. Here's a link to my Flickr account, where I put all my pics (including pics & descriptions of all the merch I bought): http://www.flickr.com/photos/34197939@N04/
I'm eagerly looking forward to the next SHIMMER show. I'll be there, no matter what steps I have to take to get the cash together. That's the thing, once you go to a taping, you won't want to miss another one! My love and thanks to everyone who looked out for me and helped me have the best time. Truly this was one of the best experiences of my life!
Friday, July 2, 2010
Parent traps...
Fair warning: this one's going to be long (probably). I need advice/comments/etc, so leave them here or email them to me or tweet them to me (JenniferL134). First, some background...
I'm 28 years old. My mom has just turned 60. She doesn't really look her age (IMO anyways), but she has a lot of health problems she's gotten over the past 3 - 4 years. A boating accident in '99 caused two disks in her mid back to be crushed (this happened while we were in Florida and the stupid doctor there said there was nothing wrong. Later, back at home, we found out the aforementioned news. Sigh.), and it caused degenerative disk disease. She has some arthritis; skin lupus (which hasn't gone internal, thank God); had to get her right carotid cleaned out; chronic pain; and she's on about 10 or so medicines. All this has just jumbled together since 2006. Plus multiple surgeries on her feet have permanently messed them up to the point she can't walk for very long or very far. She gets really sleepy at different points in the day if she's not on the go. She's fallen a lot but luckily never broken anything, just had some bad bruises.
But, she's still very sharp and has more good days than bad. Mom has a great sense of humor, she's compassionate and very loving. I help take care of her but she also takes care of me in some ways.
I say all of this to explain how things are now. We have a great relationship; we've always been close. Too close when I was younger actually...dad messed up and it caused a riff which just grew deeper on mom's part 'cause she never forgave him. When I was young (and I mean really young), I slept in the bed in the middle of them. Mom later would say that I was as much as physical barrier between them as an emotional one, which she put in place and as I grew older and noticed the barrier, stayed in. Dad drove a truck so he would be gone most days and come home mostly on weekends. So as I grew up, I was naturally closer to mom than dad. At one point, I even called him by his first name, Eddie. I knew he loved me, I just never felt close. It got to the point where dad started sleeping in the guest bedroom and I stayed in mom's bed with her.
....Truth, I didn't stop sleeping in the same bed with her full time until I was about 19. In 1998/99 my parents divorced and in January of 2001 they remarried. The relationship is now much better, they talk more and communicate better than all the previous years. Not counting the years they were separate, they've been married 20-something years. But when he remarried, I started sleeping in my own bed when he was home on the weekends. In the mid-2000's when she started sleeping in and having health problems, I moved to my bed full time so she wouldn't have to get up when I did. Previously, before her problems, she'd get me up, fix me breakfast, etc etc before I went to work.
What I'm trying to say is that our mother/daughter relationship, while always good, hasn't necessarily been healthy. I must stress, there was never any incest, and I did have a couple of boyfriends. So I felt no abnormal feelings towards her or any other family member. This may be Kentucky but I'm civilized. ^__^
And y'all really have no idea how hard the bed sleeping is for me to admit. I feel pretty much like a freak right about now, but I want to be open and honest. Anyways..
My first real relationship was something she supported. I met Andrew in the summer of 1997 in an America Online chatroom for Marvel comics roleplaying. He was 13, I was 15. He annoyed the shit outta me, declaring his love and pestering me to death. There was actually a 'group' of people that I became friends with that summer - some of them I still am. I've been to two of their weddings. Gradually we all got to know the people behind our characters. I learned that at age 12, Andrew was diagnosed with a type of cancer called neuroblastoma. It was incurable, but I never thought about that. His Wish from the Make a Wish foundation was for a computer. To this day, Make a Wish is my favorite and most beloved charity. If not for them, I don't think we would have met.
Anyways...we shared a love of horror movies, Godzilla, comics, books..and in 2002, about the time my grandmother passed away, I realized I'd fallen in love with him. Never saw his picture, but we started talking on the phone. He had a lovely voice. He came down to visit me in 2002 with 2 of his friends (due to his illness, he hadn't gotten a drivers license yet). He had strawberry blonde hair and intense brown eyes. So cute...I liked his eyes. I'm very much an eye person.
On his first visit, on the day he had to drive back, he asked to talk to me in private. We went in my room and shut the door. I thought for certain he was going to say he didn't think we were compatible. He told me, "There's something I want to give you." I said, "What?"
He leaned in and kissed me. In Mickie James' words, it was a Hollywood movie moment. I had my first kiss when I was 21. He showered me with gifts and every chance we got, he was down here or I was up there. (He lived in Pittsburgh.) His family was super sweet. When Freddy vs Jason came out, he had his friends drive him down here so we could go to the premier.
I know, I'm digressing, but I have a point. Bear with me.
In late 2003/early 2004, there was a co-worker I realized I was falling for. In retrospect, it's the worst decision I ever made. All he wanted was to sleep with me. Which, for the record, I am a virgin and I intend to stay that way until marriage. I may joke a lot but this is something I'm dead serious about. I've had a few chances to break that vow and I've turned them all down. It's not negotiable. But, because I've been cheated on, I'd told myself if I ever felt attracted to someone in my area, I would break up with Andrew first. I would not cheat. And I didn't.
I just broke his heart gradually. I gave him the "it's not you, it's me" and "lets take a break" crap. We didn't speak for a long time. Finally we started talking on the phone again in late 2006/2007. He got to go to Wrestlemania in 2007, which he'd never been. He sent me a WM t-shirt (and addressed it to "The President of the Ashley Massaro fan club" *laughing*), but he mentioned at one point he wasn't doing too well. I last spoke with him in September of 2007.
January 8th, 2008, I was on my way to work and noticed I had a voicemail. It was from Alex, Andrew's younger brother.
Andrew had passed away the day before.
I had to pull over into a parking lot. I lost it. Crying, shaking, sobbing...I completely broke down. It took forever to call mom and to be coherent enough to explain what had happened. I don't even know how but I managed to make it through the day and go home.
I had to go to the funeral. I had to. I didn't think his family thought too highly of me but Alex said I would be more than welcome. My mother didn't think it was an option. She tried to dissuade me. But once I got the time off and I got the information from Alex, she accompanied me.
To be frank, his family treated me like I was his widow. They had me sit up front for the service in the funeral home, then in the Church for the funeral Mass, then had me sit with them at the dinner afterwards. They were so gracious. So kind. I'll never forget that. Andrew's mother, Diane, mentioned he'd wrote me a letter, and also wanted to know if I wanted his half of our necklace. (I'd bought us a necklace that you fit both sides together to make a while. It was called a Mizpah coin and said "The Lord watch between you and me when we are apart." But when we broke up, I got rid of my half of the necklace...another regret.) I said yes, and to this day I wear that half of the necklace. To honor him and also to remind myself to never have regrets.
My point in telling this was to share that Andrew was my first big relationship (my only, really); and to highlight the first time I got mad that my mother was trying to block something I had or wanted to do. I was 23, I was capable of going to the funeral on my own, but..her negativity, her solid "It can't be done" was offputting. I told her later it was a time that I had needed her support, to say that it could be done and would be done.
Lets fast forward to these past two years.
I'm starting to realize just how much I've let her have control of my life. I've never *tried* to create some space, have my own life, until the past few years. She tells me she wants me to have my own life, my own friends and wants me to have a significant other before she passes away. Someone that'll "take care of me". I'm all for having a partner (and the weaker side of me wants to be taken care of), but I want to make my way in the world. Doing what, I don't know. But I don't want to be dependent on someone. I've been dependent on her long enough.
I was interested in a guy, and I let her doubts about the future of the potential relationship scare me off. I was really attracted to him, but her fears persuaded me to avoid him. After breaking a date to see a movie, I didn't even speak to the guy for a few months. How pathetic is that? (Fortunately, we're now good friends, I apologized for breaking our date but I didn't explain why. If he reads this...well, now he knows.)
I was interested in *another* guy who wanted to meet me late one night to hang out. Again, I let my mother's fears about "that part of town" and "how late it was" and "what could happen if I was alone with a guy" get to me enough to not go. For the record, it was a nice part of town, it would've been around 11 p.m., and nothing would've happened because I wouldn't have allowed it. (Plus, well now at least, the guy in question knows my boundaries & respects them.) But for crying out loud, I let her fears and her doubts get to me. Again.
In our blow up moments, I've asked how am I to make more friends & explore a relationship with someone that I find attractive if I don't get outside and interact? I don't think she's given me a satisfactory answer to date.
I know she wants the best for me, but she also doesn't want to let go. Mom admits this. And part of me didn't want to change things...until within the last year or so.
The final straw was this: in September, I'm driving up to Berwyn, IL for a weekend of SHIMMER: Women's Athletes tapings. Two days of the finest women's wrestling in the world. After Steven (from DivaDirt) gave such detailed reports of the shows and afterparties I had to go. I lost my job in January but I still bought tickets. And I feel really REALLY guilty about using my unemployment money, but I've used it for tix and to fill out my SHIMMER DVD collection (and essential things like car payment, medicines, etc.). I do try to be responsible with my funds and I'm actively seeking a job. I don't want to stay on unemployment. =/ Anyways..
I told mom about this. I told her I'd be meeting up with others from the DD site, they were trustworthy, there's a nice hotel we're all staying in, it's wrestling, all the details. She...wasn't thrilled.
When my mom gets mad or upset, she gets quiet. Real quiet. Speaks in short sentences, one word answers, etc. This was how she reacted, even though she said it was fine. Yeah, uh huh.
I got my tickets. I explained to her how the company was started, how it's reputable, how women worldwide come in to compete. Plenty of details. She still insisted at some points she didn't want to talk about it, but she wouldn't interrupt me or cut me off. I thought telling her so far in advance would give her time to prepare. But last week, she revealed her innermost thoughts. (Or so I think they are.) We were driving and I told her I was getting Volume 29 in the mail soon. She paused and then said this:
You don't even know what really goes on at these things.
Her tone of voice was more shocking than her words. She said it so coldly, so venomously, so...creepily. And I could tell what she was really saying was, "You are going to get raped and left for dead." Because thats her mindset. I protested, saying that it was an established wrestling organization, family friendly, and I trusted the people I would be around. I can't remember what she said after that, but it was my turn to be quiet. She must've realized that she'd touched a nerve because a little bit later while we were heading for home she got friendly. Eventually it was fine but I never told her how much this upset me.
And to be fair, yesterday I was telling her about Allison Danger and her twitter comment that I was sweet and how flattered I was. Mom looked at me with a quirky smile and told me to be sure I wasn't going to the show for the women. (I.E. that I wasn't going to the show to hit on the women) It took me a moment but then I started laughing. We discussed it just a little bit more, because I didn't want to press her good humor further. But I thought it was funny and maybe it's a sign she's lightening up about it. Probably not though.
But it really hit home the fact that she is paranoid about where I go and who I'm with. Not extreme paranoia but enough to have dissuaded me in the past about the things I do and potential relationships. Hell in 2008, she ruined a trip I made to visit a friend in Oregon because I invited her along. She stayed in a hotel and I spent so much time worrying about her that I actually cut my trip short, got my friend's husband to drive me to the hotel and stayed with her the rest of the time until our flight back.
And I'd been to Oregon twice before that trip on my own.
I'm humiliated as hell writing this, admitting all that I am, but I'm tired. I'm tired of her temper, tired of her manipulation, tired of her control, tired of her limiting me.
I want to go out when I have somewhere to go or something to do. (And although I'm more of a homebody, if someone invites me to go out I'll go. Its happened before, believe it or not LOL.) I want to spend time with people outside of the 'net. If I fall in love, I want to be free to explore that, no matter the person's gender, race, religion, etc. etc. I'm tired of her fears controling my life.
I AM going to SHIMMER. I want to meet in person so many of the awesome people I've met through the DivaDirt site. I want to see and meet some of my wrestling idols. I want to expand my horizions. I'm tired and fed up.
I love my mother. I don't mind to care for her when she needs it, because she did give me life and a lot of things I wouldnt' have had otherwise. But I don't want to be limited by her any further. I don't want to be old and alone. I'm very scared that the following things will happen to me:
1) I'll grow old alone
2) I'll end up like some of my 'white trash' relatives: living off the govt, addicted to prescription pills.
And after reading through all this, I honestly think that no one would want to deal with all this crap of mine. I'm afraid I'm not worth the trouble, and that anyone who'd be interested in me will think I'm not worth the trouble either. It's a lot of baggage, although they wouldn't have to deal with my mother.
I have to deal with her. I'm planning on contacting someone who once had her in their group therapy and try to set up a session with him. Since he knows her back story, it'd be easier. But I just...I don't know what to do in the short term. I'm putting this out there to see if anyone has any advice for me. Any suggestions, in general or specifically. I really hope no one thinks differently of me after reading this. Despite it all, I am fairly normal - whatever normal is, heh. I've just never realized the extent of her control over me until lately. I'm ready to break free of it. Or as free as I can while still caring for her.
I want to be myself and get out of this parent trap before it's too late.
I'm 28 years old. My mom has just turned 60. She doesn't really look her age (IMO anyways), but she has a lot of health problems she's gotten over the past 3 - 4 years. A boating accident in '99 caused two disks in her mid back to be crushed (this happened while we were in Florida and the stupid doctor there said there was nothing wrong. Later, back at home, we found out the aforementioned news. Sigh.), and it caused degenerative disk disease. She has some arthritis; skin lupus (which hasn't gone internal, thank God); had to get her right carotid cleaned out; chronic pain; and she's on about 10 or so medicines. All this has just jumbled together since 2006. Plus multiple surgeries on her feet have permanently messed them up to the point she can't walk for very long or very far. She gets really sleepy at different points in the day if she's not on the go. She's fallen a lot but luckily never broken anything, just had some bad bruises.
But, she's still very sharp and has more good days than bad. Mom has a great sense of humor, she's compassionate and very loving. I help take care of her but she also takes care of me in some ways.
I say all of this to explain how things are now. We have a great relationship; we've always been close. Too close when I was younger actually...dad messed up and it caused a riff which just grew deeper on mom's part 'cause she never forgave him. When I was young (and I mean really young), I slept in the bed in the middle of them. Mom later would say that I was as much as physical barrier between them as an emotional one, which she put in place and as I grew older and noticed the barrier, stayed in. Dad drove a truck so he would be gone most days and come home mostly on weekends. So as I grew up, I was naturally closer to mom than dad. At one point, I even called him by his first name, Eddie. I knew he loved me, I just never felt close. It got to the point where dad started sleeping in the guest bedroom and I stayed in mom's bed with her.
....Truth, I didn't stop sleeping in the same bed with her full time until I was about 19. In 1998/99 my parents divorced and in January of 2001 they remarried. The relationship is now much better, they talk more and communicate better than all the previous years. Not counting the years they were separate, they've been married 20-something years. But when he remarried, I started sleeping in my own bed when he was home on the weekends. In the mid-2000's when she started sleeping in and having health problems, I moved to my bed full time so she wouldn't have to get up when I did. Previously, before her problems, she'd get me up, fix me breakfast, etc etc before I went to work.
What I'm trying to say is that our mother/daughter relationship, while always good, hasn't necessarily been healthy. I must stress, there was never any incest, and I did have a couple of boyfriends. So I felt no abnormal feelings towards her or any other family member. This may be Kentucky but I'm civilized. ^__^
And y'all really have no idea how hard the bed sleeping is for me to admit. I feel pretty much like a freak right about now, but I want to be open and honest. Anyways..
My first real relationship was something she supported. I met Andrew in the summer of 1997 in an America Online chatroom for Marvel comics roleplaying. He was 13, I was 15. He annoyed the shit outta me, declaring his love and pestering me to death. There was actually a 'group' of people that I became friends with that summer - some of them I still am. I've been to two of their weddings. Gradually we all got to know the people behind our characters. I learned that at age 12, Andrew was diagnosed with a type of cancer called neuroblastoma. It was incurable, but I never thought about that. His Wish from the Make a Wish foundation was for a computer. To this day, Make a Wish is my favorite and most beloved charity. If not for them, I don't think we would have met.
Anyways...we shared a love of horror movies, Godzilla, comics, books..and in 2002, about the time my grandmother passed away, I realized I'd fallen in love with him. Never saw his picture, but we started talking on the phone. He had a lovely voice. He came down to visit me in 2002 with 2 of his friends (due to his illness, he hadn't gotten a drivers license yet). He had strawberry blonde hair and intense brown eyes. So cute...I liked his eyes. I'm very much an eye person.
On his first visit, on the day he had to drive back, he asked to talk to me in private. We went in my room and shut the door. I thought for certain he was going to say he didn't think we were compatible. He told me, "There's something I want to give you." I said, "What?"
He leaned in and kissed me. In Mickie James' words, it was a Hollywood movie moment. I had my first kiss when I was 21. He showered me with gifts and every chance we got, he was down here or I was up there. (He lived in Pittsburgh.) His family was super sweet. When Freddy vs Jason came out, he had his friends drive him down here so we could go to the premier.
I know, I'm digressing, but I have a point. Bear with me.
In late 2003/early 2004, there was a co-worker I realized I was falling for. In retrospect, it's the worst decision I ever made. All he wanted was to sleep with me. Which, for the record, I am a virgin and I intend to stay that way until marriage. I may joke a lot but this is something I'm dead serious about. I've had a few chances to break that vow and I've turned them all down. It's not negotiable. But, because I've been cheated on, I'd told myself if I ever felt attracted to someone in my area, I would break up with Andrew first. I would not cheat. And I didn't.
I just broke his heart gradually. I gave him the "it's not you, it's me" and "lets take a break" crap. We didn't speak for a long time. Finally we started talking on the phone again in late 2006/2007. He got to go to Wrestlemania in 2007, which he'd never been. He sent me a WM t-shirt (and addressed it to "The President of the Ashley Massaro fan club" *laughing*), but he mentioned at one point he wasn't doing too well. I last spoke with him in September of 2007.
January 8th, 2008, I was on my way to work and noticed I had a voicemail. It was from Alex, Andrew's younger brother.
Andrew had passed away the day before.
I had to pull over into a parking lot. I lost it. Crying, shaking, sobbing...I completely broke down. It took forever to call mom and to be coherent enough to explain what had happened. I don't even know how but I managed to make it through the day and go home.
I had to go to the funeral. I had to. I didn't think his family thought too highly of me but Alex said I would be more than welcome. My mother didn't think it was an option. She tried to dissuade me. But once I got the time off and I got the information from Alex, she accompanied me.
To be frank, his family treated me like I was his widow. They had me sit up front for the service in the funeral home, then in the Church for the funeral Mass, then had me sit with them at the dinner afterwards. They were so gracious. So kind. I'll never forget that. Andrew's mother, Diane, mentioned he'd wrote me a letter, and also wanted to know if I wanted his half of our necklace. (I'd bought us a necklace that you fit both sides together to make a while. It was called a Mizpah coin and said "The Lord watch between you and me when we are apart." But when we broke up, I got rid of my half of the necklace...another regret.) I said yes, and to this day I wear that half of the necklace. To honor him and also to remind myself to never have regrets.
My point in telling this was to share that Andrew was my first big relationship (my only, really); and to highlight the first time I got mad that my mother was trying to block something I had or wanted to do. I was 23, I was capable of going to the funeral on my own, but..her negativity, her solid "It can't be done" was offputting. I told her later it was a time that I had needed her support, to say that it could be done and would be done.
Lets fast forward to these past two years.
I'm starting to realize just how much I've let her have control of my life. I've never *tried* to create some space, have my own life, until the past few years. She tells me she wants me to have my own life, my own friends and wants me to have a significant other before she passes away. Someone that'll "take care of me". I'm all for having a partner (and the weaker side of me wants to be taken care of), but I want to make my way in the world. Doing what, I don't know. But I don't want to be dependent on someone. I've been dependent on her long enough.
I was interested in a guy, and I let her doubts about the future of the potential relationship scare me off. I was really attracted to him, but her fears persuaded me to avoid him. After breaking a date to see a movie, I didn't even speak to the guy for a few months. How pathetic is that? (Fortunately, we're now good friends, I apologized for breaking our date but I didn't explain why. If he reads this...well, now he knows.)
I was interested in *another* guy who wanted to meet me late one night to hang out. Again, I let my mother's fears about "that part of town" and "how late it was" and "what could happen if I was alone with a guy" get to me enough to not go. For the record, it was a nice part of town, it would've been around 11 p.m., and nothing would've happened because I wouldn't have allowed it. (Plus, well now at least, the guy in question knows my boundaries & respects them.) But for crying out loud, I let her fears and her doubts get to me. Again.
In our blow up moments, I've asked how am I to make more friends & explore a relationship with someone that I find attractive if I don't get outside and interact? I don't think she's given me a satisfactory answer to date.
I know she wants the best for me, but she also doesn't want to let go. Mom admits this. And part of me didn't want to change things...until within the last year or so.
The final straw was this: in September, I'm driving up to Berwyn, IL for a weekend of SHIMMER: Women's Athletes tapings. Two days of the finest women's wrestling in the world. After Steven (from DivaDirt) gave such detailed reports of the shows and afterparties I had to go. I lost my job in January but I still bought tickets. And I feel really REALLY guilty about using my unemployment money, but I've used it for tix and to fill out my SHIMMER DVD collection (and essential things like car payment, medicines, etc.). I do try to be responsible with my funds and I'm actively seeking a job. I don't want to stay on unemployment. =/ Anyways..
I told mom about this. I told her I'd be meeting up with others from the DD site, they were trustworthy, there's a nice hotel we're all staying in, it's wrestling, all the details. She...wasn't thrilled.
When my mom gets mad or upset, she gets quiet. Real quiet. Speaks in short sentences, one word answers, etc. This was how she reacted, even though she said it was fine. Yeah, uh huh.
I got my tickets. I explained to her how the company was started, how it's reputable, how women worldwide come in to compete. Plenty of details. She still insisted at some points she didn't want to talk about it, but she wouldn't interrupt me or cut me off. I thought telling her so far in advance would give her time to prepare. But last week, she revealed her innermost thoughts. (Or so I think they are.) We were driving and I told her I was getting Volume 29 in the mail soon. She paused and then said this:
You don't even know what really goes on at these things.
Her tone of voice was more shocking than her words. She said it so coldly, so venomously, so...creepily. And I could tell what she was really saying was, "You are going to get raped and left for dead." Because thats her mindset. I protested, saying that it was an established wrestling organization, family friendly, and I trusted the people I would be around. I can't remember what she said after that, but it was my turn to be quiet. She must've realized that she'd touched a nerve because a little bit later while we were heading for home she got friendly. Eventually it was fine but I never told her how much this upset me.
And to be fair, yesterday I was telling her about Allison Danger and her twitter comment that I was sweet and how flattered I was. Mom looked at me with a quirky smile and told me to be sure I wasn't going to the show for the women. (I.E. that I wasn't going to the show to hit on the women) It took me a moment but then I started laughing. We discussed it just a little bit more, because I didn't want to press her good humor further. But I thought it was funny and maybe it's a sign she's lightening up about it. Probably not though.
But it really hit home the fact that she is paranoid about where I go and who I'm with. Not extreme paranoia but enough to have dissuaded me in the past about the things I do and potential relationships. Hell in 2008, she ruined a trip I made to visit a friend in Oregon because I invited her along. She stayed in a hotel and I spent so much time worrying about her that I actually cut my trip short, got my friend's husband to drive me to the hotel and stayed with her the rest of the time until our flight back.
And I'd been to Oregon twice before that trip on my own.
I'm humiliated as hell writing this, admitting all that I am, but I'm tired. I'm tired of her temper, tired of her manipulation, tired of her control, tired of her limiting me.
I want to go out when I have somewhere to go or something to do. (And although I'm more of a homebody, if someone invites me to go out I'll go. Its happened before, believe it or not LOL.) I want to spend time with people outside of the 'net. If I fall in love, I want to be free to explore that, no matter the person's gender, race, religion, etc. etc. I'm tired of her fears controling my life.
I AM going to SHIMMER. I want to meet in person so many of the awesome people I've met through the DivaDirt site. I want to see and meet some of my wrestling idols. I want to expand my horizions. I'm tired and fed up.
I love my mother. I don't mind to care for her when she needs it, because she did give me life and a lot of things I wouldnt' have had otherwise. But I don't want to be limited by her any further. I don't want to be old and alone. I'm very scared that the following things will happen to me:
1) I'll grow old alone
2) I'll end up like some of my 'white trash' relatives: living off the govt, addicted to prescription pills.
And after reading through all this, I honestly think that no one would want to deal with all this crap of mine. I'm afraid I'm not worth the trouble, and that anyone who'd be interested in me will think I'm not worth the trouble either. It's a lot of baggage, although they wouldn't have to deal with my mother.
I have to deal with her. I'm planning on contacting someone who once had her in their group therapy and try to set up a session with him. Since he knows her back story, it'd be easier. But I just...I don't know what to do in the short term. I'm putting this out there to see if anyone has any advice for me. Any suggestions, in general or specifically. I really hope no one thinks differently of me after reading this. Despite it all, I am fairly normal - whatever normal is, heh. I've just never realized the extent of her control over me until lately. I'm ready to break free of it. Or as free as I can while still caring for her.
I want to be myself and get out of this parent trap before it's too late.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
My wrestling journey (Part the first)
I started this blog to mainly write about women's wrestling. How I got into it, what I like about it, who I admire, etc. But the story really begins when I got into watching professional wrestling, period. I'm going to touch on that now, and part the second will really delve into my passion for women's wrestling.
In March of 1999, I was 16. In 1997, we had gotten a computer and I had been sucked into the world of America Online chat rooms. Particularly one which was for roleplaying Marvel comic book characters. In the summer of '97, I became close with a small group of people who regularly attended the chat room. Eventually we got to know each other outside of our characters. I'm still friends with some of them today.
To make a very long story short, one of them I "fell in love with." And when I say love? I really mean "obsessed to the point of having no social life outside the computer whatsoever." I was a teenager, full of that teenage angst bullshit. This guy was 2 years older than me and not a very nice person. To say the least. We were off again, on again, etc. for 2 years until February of 1999. He broke up with me, deleted his screen name and didn't contact me for a long time. Me? I was frantic. It was to the point that I would search AOL screen name profiles to try to find ones that fit his writing style.
Yeah. It was that bad. I had to find something to fill the void he'd left, something that would get me off the computer. I found it on a Monday night. Just casually flipping through channels. Not sure what made me stop, honestly.
Maybe it was the hotness of the Undertaker in his Ministry of Darkness persona.
I don't quite remember what got my attention, but I remember it was the Monday after Wrestlemania 15. One of my first memories was of the Undertaker holding Sable hostage and having Stephanie McMahon kidnapped. Little known fact....I'm a sucker for a damsel in distress story. So the whole Undertaker/Stephanie/Vince storyline interested me from the get go. I wound up watching the whole thing. Couldn't tell you a thing about that night other than the fact I was hooked.
So hooked, infact, I got permission from my mother to order the Wrestlemania 15 rerun on Tuesday. Yes, I was *that* hooked. I loved it.
This from a person who'd scorned pro-wrestling for most of her life until that year. My cousin was a heavy Hulk Hogan fan and I remember teasing him endlessly for liking that 'fake' sport. Wow, did that come back to bite me on the ass. (Still can't stand Hogan though, sorry!)
At the beginning, it wasn't so much the athleticism that got my attention. It was the hot guys & girls, the characters they played, and the storyline. It really was a soap opera for guys, as I'd heard somewhere. It was also a soap opera for women who don't like normal soaps. Like moi. At first, I didn't pay too much attention to the women's division because it was nearing the end of Sable's run in the WWF, and Debra was given the belt via a decision by HBK in a bikini contest (if I remember correctly). Not the best way to interest somebody in the women's division.
God bless Ivory, Jackie, Luna and Tori. I remember those four really kept it alive (albeit on life support) with sporadic matches. Ivory & Tori's hardcore match impressed the hell outta me (despite Tori wearing only undies and a white shirt) - Tori took a mirror over her head. I do remember thinking, "These women are tough!"....
And promptly went back to ogling Triple H, UT, Edge, Christian, etc and so forth.
I came in at the tail end of Stone Cold Steve Austin's feud with Vince, so I missed a lot of his antics. The destruction of the Titan Tron by him and Big Show was something I caught, as well as his and the Rock's feud. The Rock was damn funny, I loved his promos and his matches. I really started to admire these guys for their athletic ability when I saw the Hardy Boyz vs Christian & Edge at No Mercy '99. I know, it was a spot fest, but it showed me that these guys (and the others) were really willing to put their bodies on the line. This was no mere fake punching - this was ladders in the face and moonsaults off the top rope!
I devoured past Pay Per View tapes (and later DVDs). I learned about the greats like Bret & Owen Hart, Ricky The Steamboat Dragon, Ric Flair, Shawn Michaels. I had the misfortune of buying & recording the "Over the Edge" PPV in which Owen passed away. That was my first big realization that wrestling wasn't fake. Like cold water in my face, I couldn't look at wrestling in quite the same way after his death. Reality intruded, and I watched from thereon after with a more mature outlook. Worse, I didn't learn and see how truly great Owen was as a wrestler and a character until after he died. He passed way too soon.
On occassion, I would flip to WCW but I never really caught onto it like I had the WWF. It was in it's final stages by the time I got into professional wrestling, so I had missed the Monday Night Wars. Likewise, my cousin told me about ECW and I found it on late at night on miscelanous channels. It wasn't the golden years of the mid-90's, but I was suitably impressed by the technical skills and the hardcore style of it's roster. When it got onto TNT/Spike, I watched it regularly but it too was dying out. A shame, since once I learned about it's history and saw some of it's PPVs, I could see why it had (and still has) a very diehard fanbase. A company that boasted of Shane Douglas, Steve Austin, Chris Jericho, Dean Malenko, Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Brian Pillman, Raven....that's a company you don't underestimate.
I got into wrestling by accident, but it certainly did the trick. I no longer stayed on the computer for hours at a time, searching profiles. Now, I watched every WWF show (even the recap shows like Superstars, Jakked, Velocity, Heat, etc.) & recorded them all, bought and begged my mom for merchandise, and went to every show that came to Louisville. Even when they would bring in talent to the big OVW shows, I would go. (One time, my mother and I chased Crash Holly all over downtown! He eventually lost us, but it was a ton of fun.)
In other words, I replaced one obsession with another. :D
As far as women's wrestling went, however, I admit I wasn't too sold on it. I appreciated the aforementioned ladies for busting their asses, but never put too much thought into what they did, how they trained, etc. That changed one day. One woman got me thinking and looking into what women could really do in the ring. One woman got me interested, and it led to me eventually seeking out other venues in which women weren't a side attraction - they were THE attraction. That took a while, admittedly. But in 2000, one woman got me to sit up and pay attention as the women's division caught fire.
She accompanied her guy to the ring and rooted for him, like any manager did. But when he got the pin, she did something I'd never seen before.
She climbed the turnbuckle, back to the ring, and performed a picture perfect moonsault onto the defeated person. Essa Rios counted the 1-2-3 and raised her hand.
This was my introduction to Lita. She was unlike any woman I'd seen in the WWF to that point. Long red hair, a huge tattoo on her right arm/shoulder, and a devil-may-care attitude. She did moves that, I confess, I didn't think women could do. It was at that point I started to care about the women in the industry, how they were portrayed & treated, and how they performed in the ring.
Lita planted the seed - the resurgance of the WWE's women's division would make it grow. Eventually it would blossom into a full fledged passion that has yet to subside in me.
I'll leave off for now. The second part of my wrestling journey will cover my discovery of women's wrestling, as well as my appreciation of the pure athleticism that men like Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero portrayed. (And yes, their deaths as well.) Or it might be in 3 parts, I'm not sure. But for the moment, I'll pause here.
In March of 1999, I was 16. In 1997, we had gotten a computer and I had been sucked into the world of America Online chat rooms. Particularly one which was for roleplaying Marvel comic book characters. In the summer of '97, I became close with a small group of people who regularly attended the chat room. Eventually we got to know each other outside of our characters. I'm still friends with some of them today.
To make a very long story short, one of them I "fell in love with." And when I say love? I really mean "obsessed to the point of having no social life outside the computer whatsoever." I was a teenager, full of that teenage angst bullshit. This guy was 2 years older than me and not a very nice person. To say the least. We were off again, on again, etc. for 2 years until February of 1999. He broke up with me, deleted his screen name and didn't contact me for a long time. Me? I was frantic. It was to the point that I would search AOL screen name profiles to try to find ones that fit his writing style.
Yeah. It was that bad. I had to find something to fill the void he'd left, something that would get me off the computer. I found it on a Monday night. Just casually flipping through channels. Not sure what made me stop, honestly.
Maybe it was the hotness of the Undertaker in his Ministry of Darkness persona.
I don't quite remember what got my attention, but I remember it was the Monday after Wrestlemania 15. One of my first memories was of the Undertaker holding Sable hostage and having Stephanie McMahon kidnapped. Little known fact....I'm a sucker for a damsel in distress story. So the whole Undertaker/Stephanie/Vince storyline interested me from the get go. I wound up watching the whole thing. Couldn't tell you a thing about that night other than the fact I was hooked.
So hooked, infact, I got permission from my mother to order the Wrestlemania 15 rerun on Tuesday. Yes, I was *that* hooked. I loved it.
This from a person who'd scorned pro-wrestling for most of her life until that year. My cousin was a heavy Hulk Hogan fan and I remember teasing him endlessly for liking that 'fake' sport. Wow, did that come back to bite me on the ass. (Still can't stand Hogan though, sorry!)
At the beginning, it wasn't so much the athleticism that got my attention. It was the hot guys & girls, the characters they played, and the storyline. It really was a soap opera for guys, as I'd heard somewhere. It was also a soap opera for women who don't like normal soaps. Like moi. At first, I didn't pay too much attention to the women's division because it was nearing the end of Sable's run in the WWF, and Debra was given the belt via a decision by HBK in a bikini contest (if I remember correctly). Not the best way to interest somebody in the women's division.
God bless Ivory, Jackie, Luna and Tori. I remember those four really kept it alive (albeit on life support) with sporadic matches. Ivory & Tori's hardcore match impressed the hell outta me (despite Tori wearing only undies and a white shirt) - Tori took a mirror over her head. I do remember thinking, "These women are tough!"....
And promptly went back to ogling Triple H, UT, Edge, Christian, etc and so forth.
I came in at the tail end of Stone Cold Steve Austin's feud with Vince, so I missed a lot of his antics. The destruction of the Titan Tron by him and Big Show was something I caught, as well as his and the Rock's feud. The Rock was damn funny, I loved his promos and his matches. I really started to admire these guys for their athletic ability when I saw the Hardy Boyz vs Christian & Edge at No Mercy '99. I know, it was a spot fest, but it showed me that these guys (and the others) were really willing to put their bodies on the line. This was no mere fake punching - this was ladders in the face and moonsaults off the top rope!
I devoured past Pay Per View tapes (and later DVDs). I learned about the greats like Bret & Owen Hart, Ricky The Steamboat Dragon, Ric Flair, Shawn Michaels. I had the misfortune of buying & recording the "Over the Edge" PPV in which Owen passed away. That was my first big realization that wrestling wasn't fake. Like cold water in my face, I couldn't look at wrestling in quite the same way after his death. Reality intruded, and I watched from thereon after with a more mature outlook. Worse, I didn't learn and see how truly great Owen was as a wrestler and a character until after he died. He passed way too soon.
On occassion, I would flip to WCW but I never really caught onto it like I had the WWF. It was in it's final stages by the time I got into professional wrestling, so I had missed the Monday Night Wars. Likewise, my cousin told me about ECW and I found it on late at night on miscelanous channels. It wasn't the golden years of the mid-90's, but I was suitably impressed by the technical skills and the hardcore style of it's roster. When it got onto TNT/Spike, I watched it regularly but it too was dying out. A shame, since once I learned about it's history and saw some of it's PPVs, I could see why it had (and still has) a very diehard fanbase. A company that boasted of Shane Douglas, Steve Austin, Chris Jericho, Dean Malenko, Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Brian Pillman, Raven....that's a company you don't underestimate.
I got into wrestling by accident, but it certainly did the trick. I no longer stayed on the computer for hours at a time, searching profiles. Now, I watched every WWF show (even the recap shows like Superstars, Jakked, Velocity, Heat, etc.) & recorded them all, bought and begged my mom for merchandise, and went to every show that came to Louisville. Even when they would bring in talent to the big OVW shows, I would go. (One time, my mother and I chased Crash Holly all over downtown! He eventually lost us, but it was a ton of fun.)
In other words, I replaced one obsession with another. :D
As far as women's wrestling went, however, I admit I wasn't too sold on it. I appreciated the aforementioned ladies for busting their asses, but never put too much thought into what they did, how they trained, etc. That changed one day. One woman got me thinking and looking into what women could really do in the ring. One woman got me interested, and it led to me eventually seeking out other venues in which women weren't a side attraction - they were THE attraction. That took a while, admittedly. But in 2000, one woman got me to sit up and pay attention as the women's division caught fire.
She accompanied her guy to the ring and rooted for him, like any manager did. But when he got the pin, she did something I'd never seen before.
She climbed the turnbuckle, back to the ring, and performed a picture perfect moonsault onto the defeated person. Essa Rios counted the 1-2-3 and raised her hand.
This was my introduction to Lita. She was unlike any woman I'd seen in the WWF to that point. Long red hair, a huge tattoo on her right arm/shoulder, and a devil-may-care attitude. She did moves that, I confess, I didn't think women could do. It was at that point I started to care about the women in the industry, how they were portrayed & treated, and how they performed in the ring.
Lita planted the seed - the resurgance of the WWE's women's division would make it grow. Eventually it would blossom into a full fledged passion that has yet to subside in me.
I'll leave off for now. The second part of my wrestling journey will cover my discovery of women's wrestling, as well as my appreciation of the pure athleticism that men like Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero portrayed. (And yes, their deaths as well.) Or it might be in 3 parts, I'm not sure. But for the moment, I'll pause here.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
"The 99"...
This was originally posted on my Twitter using TwitLonger. Then I wanted to post it here, so I copied/pasted it. This just really grinds my gears. Read on fearless readers...
I checked the mail today and someone had stuffed 4 little flyers in. The front had half a person's face with the "rated R" symbol in the eye. It said "The 99", gave the location which is the local mall, dates and times and sponsers. On the back was two coupons to get into this show for 2 bucks only when it's a 10 dollar value. There's a small blurb at the top saying the 99 symbolizes the "average amount of deaths" among young Americans due to drugs, alcohol, suicide, etc. There's a website on the flyer so I looked it up a few minutes ago.
Basically it's a pretty graphic production you walk through that tries to 'wake up' people from 16 - 25 years of age and get them to make better decisions (no drugs, alcohol, texting while driving, etc.). Now I'm cool with this but something still nagged at me. So I googled it.
Turns out this 'production' is a Hell House. Ever heard of them? You might if you live in the South. Basically a Hell House is something churches put up to compete with a haunted house. It gives you a tour through the life of a sinner, complete with a visit to hell, then afterwards talks to you about accepting Christ as your Savior. I have no problem with Hell Houses (aside from the fact I don't think fear is the best way to Evangelize), because they're clearly marked as such.
This 'The 99' production is NOT. According to someone who visited, they lead you through all the bad situations young adults need to avoid but then the tour goes through Hell. You end up in a small room, watch a video, and a preacher tries to convert you. Some of the news blurbs on the actual 99 site have scenes from the drugs & car accident, and one news reporter says they can't show any more of it because the producers want to keep the ending a secret.
Well sure they do! They don't want to turn off non-Christians who might visit and/or take their kids there, thinking it's a good message. It IS a good message, but the ending is totally unnecessary. It's Ambush Evangelism. It's GOTCHA!Preaching. It'd be better to clearly state this is a Christian production, give people a clue that this has a religious message at the end, instead of tricking you into spending money to visit it and then pounce on you at the end. It's deceitful! It's not right. Unless you look very carefully at the sponsers on the flyer, you'd never realize it. Once I did, I saw where Evangel (a local mega-church) and the On Fire Christian Center were two sponsers alongside companies like Arbys, Chic Fil A, Texas Roadhouse, etc. That gave me a clue and made me research it when I got home.
My point is, Jesus never resorted to tactics like this. Know what He did? He talked to people. Got to know them. Didn't condemn them. He sat with prostitutes and tax collectors. He taught them. He never ambushed people nor deceived them.
Stuff like this makes me mad. I may go up to the mall on one of their production days and scope the outside out. It's taking place in the middle of J-Mall and there's not that much space so I wonder how big it'll be. I may or may not actually walk through because I want to see if the blogger was right about the presentation. And depending, I may speak up. Stuff like this just isn't necessary. Gandhi had a point.
"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
I wanted my second post to be about how I got into wrestling and then into women's wrestling. But this really got on my nerves so I wanted to share it here. I'd actually write more but it's almost 2 a.m. So until next time...
I checked the mail today and someone had stuffed 4 little flyers in. The front had half a person's face with the "rated R" symbol in the eye. It said "The 99", gave the location which is the local mall, dates and times and sponsers. On the back was two coupons to get into this show for 2 bucks only when it's a 10 dollar value. There's a small blurb at the top saying the 99 symbolizes the "average amount of deaths" among young Americans due to drugs, alcohol, suicide, etc. There's a website on the flyer so I looked it up a few minutes ago.
Basically it's a pretty graphic production you walk through that tries to 'wake up' people from 16 - 25 years of age and get them to make better decisions (no drugs, alcohol, texting while driving, etc.). Now I'm cool with this but something still nagged at me. So I googled it.
Turns out this 'production' is a Hell House. Ever heard of them? You might if you live in the South. Basically a Hell House is something churches put up to compete with a haunted house. It gives you a tour through the life of a sinner, complete with a visit to hell, then afterwards talks to you about accepting Christ as your Savior. I have no problem with Hell Houses (aside from the fact I don't think fear is the best way to Evangelize), because they're clearly marked as such.
This 'The 99' production is NOT. According to someone who visited, they lead you through all the bad situations young adults need to avoid but then the tour goes through Hell. You end up in a small room, watch a video, and a preacher tries to convert you. Some of the news blurbs on the actual 99 site have scenes from the drugs & car accident, and one news reporter says they can't show any more of it because the producers want to keep the ending a secret.
Well sure they do! They don't want to turn off non-Christians who might visit and/or take their kids there, thinking it's a good message. It IS a good message, but the ending is totally unnecessary. It's Ambush Evangelism. It's GOTCHA!Preaching. It'd be better to clearly state this is a Christian production, give people a clue that this has a religious message at the end, instead of tricking you into spending money to visit it and then pounce on you at the end. It's deceitful! It's not right. Unless you look very carefully at the sponsers on the flyer, you'd never realize it. Once I did, I saw where Evangel (a local mega-church) and the On Fire Christian Center were two sponsers alongside companies like Arbys, Chic Fil A, Texas Roadhouse, etc. That gave me a clue and made me research it when I got home.
My point is, Jesus never resorted to tactics like this. Know what He did? He talked to people. Got to know them. Didn't condemn them. He sat with prostitutes and tax collectors. He taught them. He never ambushed people nor deceived them.
Stuff like this makes me mad. I may go up to the mall on one of their production days and scope the outside out. It's taking place in the middle of J-Mall and there's not that much space so I wonder how big it'll be. I may or may not actually walk through because I want to see if the blogger was right about the presentation. And depending, I may speak up. Stuff like this just isn't necessary. Gandhi had a point.
"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
I wanted my second post to be about how I got into wrestling and then into women's wrestling. But this really got on my nerves so I wanted to share it here. I'd actually write more but it's almost 2 a.m. So until next time...
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Personal space and Basic respect
I was waiting in line to return something to Wal-Mart a couple of days ago, and two things struck me.
First, apparently the concept of personal space doesn't resonate with everyone.
Second, neither does the concept of basic respect.
(Disclaimer: This goes for when I don't know you. People I know and am comfortable with, I don't mind when they get close. This should probably have gone without saying, heh.)
When I'm in a line of any sort, I keep a distance of at least two steps from the person infront of me. I don't know what the person infront of me's stance is on personal space. Maybe they don't care if someone's right up against them, maybe they would prefer me to back up five spaces. I don't know. So I stay at least two steps back, giving them plenty of space to make sure. And I wish that those behind me would do the same.
More often than not, however, it doesn't happen. The mentality of "the closer I am to the person infront of me, the closer I am to the front of the line" seems to prevail. Doesn't matter that this is a silly thing to think, I'm convinced that it comes into play for a lot of people when they get into a line. Therefore, I have made a list to go by. If you have ever found yourself guilty of one or more of these offenses, take two steps back next time you are in line:
*If you are close enough that when you breathe, the person infront of you's hair moves, you are too close. Step back.
*If you are close enough to smell the person infront of you's hair, you are WAY too close. Step back.
*If you are close enough that when you cough or sneeze, some part of your spittle/snot gets on the person in front of you, you are too close. Step back.
*If you are close enough that the person infront of you can 'feel' or 'sense' your presence, you are too close. Step back. (This varies from person to person. I, myself, can 'feel' when people or objects are close to me. Some can't. Use your discretion.)
*If the person infront of you moves forward a bit, even when the line hasn't moved in general, you are too close. Step back.
These are the basics. Just be aware of the people around you, and remember that not everyone feels the same about personal space, so take a precaution. Maintain two steps from the person infront of you. They may not say anything out loud, but I'm sure in their minds they are thanking you.
The second, basic respect, occured to me whilst in the same line, enduring a violation of my personal space. A woman behind me came out of line, went up to the desk where the belabored worker was helping out someone else, and began complaining. The worker apologized and said she was doing her best. The woman asked where a manager was, and was pointed in the correct direction. As a result, the manager helped out at the desk.
Disclaimer: I have some times gotten upset or impatient with staff at places. But only once did I express my displeasure, and I did that with a simple, short but fairly polite note. Never received bad service at that place again, only the best. So I keep my temper and my impatience under wraps, when I do feel it.
It's said that respect is earned, not given. I do agree with this, for the most part. However, I firmly believe that all human beings deserve a basic level of respect. No one is better than anyone else, no matter where you come from or what you do. Especially when it comes to the work you do.
It feels like some people think they are better than others because they don't do certain kinds of work. This isn't right, but it shows. For example, I was at my favorite restaurant in the world (shout out, Logan's Steakhouse in Louisville - simply flawless!) about six months ago when I noticed that someone I was familiar with was also having dinner with his partner in the booth infront of me. I knew this person (lets call him A) was very demanding, very fussy and very very needy. I felt sorry for the person who had to serve him. The woman who was serving me (lets call her T) was also serving A. I warned her that he had a bad reputation from the place I knew him from, so to be careful.
Didn't matter. She was a good server (she'd been my server a couple of times before, very sweet and very good at her job), but I could see the utter disdain in his face when he looked at her, talked to her, and even watched her going around, serving others in the restaurant. When he left, I heard A ask another server to speak to the manager. I pulled T aside when she gave me my food, letting her know A had spoken to the manager. She got his ticket from his table - turned out A had left her only a few cents as a tip.
Cents. That tells you something right there about A. I found out later that he had complained that T had not been fully attentive to him. As if she could be devoted to only one table!
But the look on his face...you could tell he felt like she was beneath him because of her job. I see this often. Servers in restaurants, cashiers in grocery stores, receptionists in doctors' offices...just because someone has a job that you've never had or you think is "beneath" you, doesn't mean those workers are undeserving of basic respect.
Take restaurant servers. I've been at Logan's enough to see what it's like when a restaurant is at it's busiest and at it's slowest. I've seen cranky customers who were never satisfied, no matter how hard the server tried. I've seen servers exhausted but still put on a smile and do their best. I'm honest enough to admit: I could never be a server. Never. Simply because I don't have the patience or the skill or the social skills; not because I consider it an 'inferior' job. Frankly I think anyone who can be a server has to have a core of steel and patience of a saint. They do a great job and they provide a needed and necessary service. They deserve your respect.
As does the cashier at McDonalds, the person who delivers your mail, or the person who picks up your garbage. They are providing a service to you, the least you can do is respect them and the work they do. That means, no bitching at them, being patient under trying circumstances and putting yourself in their shoes. How would you feel after working for hours, giving your all, and having someone just look at you like you're a cockroach? Not very good I'd wager.
So next time you're in a long line, or you have to wait a little bit longer for service at a restaurant, take a moment. Breathe. Remember, these are fellow human beings who are doing the best they can, and they have their own lives and situations they are going through. Then give them a smile and a positive word (as I did when I made it to the front of the line at Wal-Mart; I could tell the woman appreciated my encouragement).
And also remember: don't be a cheapskate. Give them a good tip.
First, apparently the concept of personal space doesn't resonate with everyone.
Second, neither does the concept of basic respect.
(Disclaimer: This goes for when I don't know you. People I know and am comfortable with, I don't mind when they get close. This should probably have gone without saying, heh.)
When I'm in a line of any sort, I keep a distance of at least two steps from the person infront of me. I don't know what the person infront of me's stance is on personal space. Maybe they don't care if someone's right up against them, maybe they would prefer me to back up five spaces. I don't know. So I stay at least two steps back, giving them plenty of space to make sure. And I wish that those behind me would do the same.
More often than not, however, it doesn't happen. The mentality of "the closer I am to the person infront of me, the closer I am to the front of the line" seems to prevail. Doesn't matter that this is a silly thing to think, I'm convinced that it comes into play for a lot of people when they get into a line. Therefore, I have made a list to go by. If you have ever found yourself guilty of one or more of these offenses, take two steps back next time you are in line:
*If you are close enough that when you breathe, the person infront of you's hair moves, you are too close. Step back.
*If you are close enough to smell the person infront of you's hair, you are WAY too close. Step back.
*If you are close enough that when you cough or sneeze, some part of your spittle/snot gets on the person in front of you, you are too close. Step back.
*If you are close enough that the person infront of you can 'feel' or 'sense' your presence, you are too close. Step back. (This varies from person to person. I, myself, can 'feel' when people or objects are close to me. Some can't. Use your discretion.)
*If the person infront of you moves forward a bit, even when the line hasn't moved in general, you are too close. Step back.
These are the basics. Just be aware of the people around you, and remember that not everyone feels the same about personal space, so take a precaution. Maintain two steps from the person infront of you. They may not say anything out loud, but I'm sure in their minds they are thanking you.
The second, basic respect, occured to me whilst in the same line, enduring a violation of my personal space. A woman behind me came out of line, went up to the desk where the belabored worker was helping out someone else, and began complaining. The worker apologized and said she was doing her best. The woman asked where a manager was, and was pointed in the correct direction. As a result, the manager helped out at the desk.
Disclaimer: I have some times gotten upset or impatient with staff at places. But only once did I express my displeasure, and I did that with a simple, short but fairly polite note. Never received bad service at that place again, only the best. So I keep my temper and my impatience under wraps, when I do feel it.
It's said that respect is earned, not given. I do agree with this, for the most part. However, I firmly believe that all human beings deserve a basic level of respect. No one is better than anyone else, no matter where you come from or what you do. Especially when it comes to the work you do.
It feels like some people think they are better than others because they don't do certain kinds of work. This isn't right, but it shows. For example, I was at my favorite restaurant in the world (shout out, Logan's Steakhouse in Louisville - simply flawless!) about six months ago when I noticed that someone I was familiar with was also having dinner with his partner in the booth infront of me. I knew this person (lets call him A) was very demanding, very fussy and very very needy. I felt sorry for the person who had to serve him. The woman who was serving me (lets call her T) was also serving A. I warned her that he had a bad reputation from the place I knew him from, so to be careful.
Didn't matter. She was a good server (she'd been my server a couple of times before, very sweet and very good at her job), but I could see the utter disdain in his face when he looked at her, talked to her, and even watched her going around, serving others in the restaurant. When he left, I heard A ask another server to speak to the manager. I pulled T aside when she gave me my food, letting her know A had spoken to the manager. She got his ticket from his table - turned out A had left her only a few cents as a tip.
Cents. That tells you something right there about A. I found out later that he had complained that T had not been fully attentive to him. As if she could be devoted to only one table!
But the look on his face...you could tell he felt like she was beneath him because of her job. I see this often. Servers in restaurants, cashiers in grocery stores, receptionists in doctors' offices...just because someone has a job that you've never had or you think is "beneath" you, doesn't mean those workers are undeserving of basic respect.
Take restaurant servers. I've been at Logan's enough to see what it's like when a restaurant is at it's busiest and at it's slowest. I've seen cranky customers who were never satisfied, no matter how hard the server tried. I've seen servers exhausted but still put on a smile and do their best. I'm honest enough to admit: I could never be a server. Never. Simply because I don't have the patience or the skill or the social skills; not because I consider it an 'inferior' job. Frankly I think anyone who can be a server has to have a core of steel and patience of a saint. They do a great job and they provide a needed and necessary service. They deserve your respect.
As does the cashier at McDonalds, the person who delivers your mail, or the person who picks up your garbage. They are providing a service to you, the least you can do is respect them and the work they do. That means, no bitching at them, being patient under trying circumstances and putting yourself in their shoes. How would you feel after working for hours, giving your all, and having someone just look at you like you're a cockroach? Not very good I'd wager.
So next time you're in a long line, or you have to wait a little bit longer for service at a restaurant, take a moment. Breathe. Remember, these are fellow human beings who are doing the best they can, and they have their own lives and situations they are going through. Then give them a smile and a positive word (as I did when I made it to the front of the line at Wal-Mart; I could tell the woman appreciated my encouragement).
And also remember: don't be a cheapskate. Give them a good tip.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Beginnings
Howdy. I'm Jennifer, and this is my blog. Whoo hoo!
Actually I guess this is a natural progression. I've been on the internet since 1997. From chat rooms, to a livejournal, to a facebook, to a twitter and now a blog. I'd been thinking of making one, but wondered who would listen to someone like me?
Then I made a deal with a friend. They would pull the trigger on their blog if I did the same. (Thanks Demond! =P) They did, so here I am.
It's 12:30 a.m. May 15th. I'm somewhat of a night owl. I'm also unemployed at the moment (will blog for food, cash, and/or Lady GaGa tickets!), so I have more time to devote to this than I should. I have a vast variety of interests that I'll blog about. And I do mean vast.
A couple of things about me. I was born & live in Kentucky, which I'm not too thrilled about but unable to do anything at this point in my life. My political views have swung from extremely conservative 4 - 5 years ago to fairly liberal at this point. I have trusted Christ as my Savior and I do my best to follow Him & live by His Standards. I'm a feminist, pro-choice, pro-gay marriage and anti-gun. I also voted for, and fully support, President Obama.
...Is it obvious now why I'm not thrilled with living in Kentucky? Heh. Not exactly a blue state here.
I read. A ton. I'm talking a lot here. Fiction and non-fiction. I have three bookshelves filled with nothing but history/biography. I adore history and often feel that old quote is so true, "Those who do not remember the past are doomed to repeat it." I often think that quote should be plastered all over Washington, D.C.
I would like to write more, but it is fairly late so I'll close. I'll finish with the quote Keith Olbermann uses to end his show, and which he took from Edward R. Murrow: Goodnight and good luck.
Actually I guess this is a natural progression. I've been on the internet since 1997. From chat rooms, to a livejournal, to a facebook, to a twitter and now a blog. I'd been thinking of making one, but wondered who would listen to someone like me?
Then I made a deal with a friend. They would pull the trigger on their blog if I did the same. (Thanks Demond! =P) They did, so here I am.
It's 12:30 a.m. May 15th. I'm somewhat of a night owl. I'm also unemployed at the moment (will blog for food, cash, and/or Lady GaGa tickets!), so I have more time to devote to this than I should. I have a vast variety of interests that I'll blog about. And I do mean vast.
A couple of things about me. I was born & live in Kentucky, which I'm not too thrilled about but unable to do anything at this point in my life. My political views have swung from extremely conservative 4 - 5 years ago to fairly liberal at this point. I have trusted Christ as my Savior and I do my best to follow Him & live by His Standards. I'm a feminist, pro-choice, pro-gay marriage and anti-gun. I also voted for, and fully support, President Obama.
...Is it obvious now why I'm not thrilled with living in Kentucky? Heh. Not exactly a blue state here.
I read. A ton. I'm talking a lot here. Fiction and non-fiction. I have three bookshelves filled with nothing but history/biography. I adore history and often feel that old quote is so true, "Those who do not remember the past are doomed to repeat it." I often think that quote should be plastered all over Washington, D.C.
I would like to write more, but it is fairly late so I'll close. I'll finish with the quote Keith Olbermann uses to end his show, and which he took from Edward R. Murrow: Goodnight and good luck.
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