Faith: When to Hold on and When to Let Go

I am incredibly angry at God. I have nowhere else to direct the anger I feel over momma's death, so inevitably it has turned towards Him. I don't understand the innate unfairness of this. I've lived most of my life, believing that everything has a purpose, even death. After all, the previous major deaths prior to this were of people who had major illnesses and even though it hurt, there were reasons (not purposes, but reasons). But this...

Mom had been hospitalized with life-threatening pneumonia twice in 2012. She would have died if dad and I hadn't gotten her to the hospital in time each times. The second time she was diagnosed with aspiration pneumonia - meaning she had inhaled enough food to start clogging her lungs. Dad and her bought a bed that you could raise and lower, like a hospital bed, so when we ate dinner in there, she was sitting up. Hence, she wasn't able to choke on her food. One problem solved. She had no more pneumonia for the rest of the year.

When she got out of the hospital the first time in January, she stopped smoking period. Considering she had smoked for most of her life (and she was 62), that's a pretty damn major accomplishment. We were all so proud of her, especially me. I'd tried a lot of things when I was younger to try and get her to stop smoking, even going so far as to throw away her lighters and break her cigarettes. Her oxygen improved significantly over the year and she was breathing a lot better which helped immensely.

Mom initiated the process of getting dental implants. She found a fantastic dentist, Dr. Nonie George, and an equally good oral surgeon, Dr. James Klemens. Dr. George made her a new and better top set of teeth that fit much better than her old one. Dr. Klemens had to pull her remaining bottom teeth and fit a set of partials that were to remain until her gums and bone were healed enough to put the posts in for the implants on the bottom. Which they were healing nicely and she was able to eat better than she had before. Still not able to eat things she liked, such as steak, but she was going to be able to in 2013.

Later in 2012, she went to a highly recommended doctor, Dr. Michael McQuillen, to see about her feet. She had had several foot surgeries over the year, to straighten her toes without any luck. They didn't work and actually made it worse, to the point where the toe beside the big toe on the right foot was crossed over onto the big toe. She could barely wear her tennis shoes, and anything else was out. Dress shoes hurt and sandals, she didn't want anyone to see her toes. He believed he could help her and decided to start with the right foot. She had the surgery  on Dec 6th (I think) and when I took her to a follow up the day before she died, the fill in doctor (Dr. McQuillen was out due to a personal issue) unwrapped her foot. It was perfect. The toes were all so nice and straight, no bunions...I'd never seen her foot look so good. Once the other one was done, she was going to be able to walk 100% better, wear sandals next summer and be in far less pain if any. She was incredibly happy with the results, despite the pain she was in while recovering.

We both had lasix eye surgery in 2004. In 2011, she had corrective surgery twice because she was starting to have a 'lazy eye' which was causing things to be blurry. Twice it didn't work. Dr. Howell, a wonderfully kind and patient man, left it up to her as to what to do next. She chose the surgery. She had it a week before the foot surgery and every time I asked her about how she felt, she was growing more confident that the third time had truly been the charm. Her eye wasn't drifting and she couldn't see a blur anymore. She was looking forward to being able to drive again.

So...a woman that had stopped smoking, had gotten her eye fixed, was starting the process to have her teeth and feet fixed...a woman that was doing everything right, was taking her medicine correctly, had fought major depression all her life, loved her family...

All this and she dies? Just BAM out of the blue? WHY?

I've had people tell me something along the lines that "God wanted an angel so He chose her." Now I've thought about this. And the more I think about it, the less sense it makes. Basically, it's another way of saying that God wanted another person to be with Him, so He took them.

So, God is a massive prick. A selfish one at that. And a murderer.

I reject the line that He wanted her so He took her. Because it makes God out to be a selfish murderer, caring nothing about the pain that her loss has caused us. Everything I've ever believed about God rejects that notion. If God is love, then He doesn't want us to needlessly suffer.

Then again, this is supposedly the same God that told the Israelites to murder the men, women and children already living in Palestine after they left Egypt. So.

There's no purpose in this. A friend told me death has no purpose, only life. I think he's right.

If it was "her time to go", then that's a crap excuse as well. Because she was doing everything right. Eating well, taking her medicines correctly, getting things fixed/changed. I told her repeatedly that when everything was done, 2013 was going to be her best year yet. Compare that to the millions of people who don't take care of themselves, and some of those who don't care about keeping themselves healthy. Hell there's about three family members of mine who are doing their bottom dollar best to die through the way they live - so why not them instead of her? What makes them so much more worthy to live longer than mom?

Ridiculous. Stupid. Nonsense. Useless. THIS SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.

I am so angry. When I knelt before mom's casket and prayed, I told God that I wouldn't be speaking to Him for a long time. A month later and I'm still angry. I don't see the sense in this. Maybe I never will. And it makes no difference if I'm angry at Him, because who am I in the grand scheme of things? What does my angry tirade matter? It doesn't. It doesn't matter one bit.