I'll be honest - I've been in a rotten place since Lee and I broke up at the beginning of February. I've been sad, angry, depressed, suicidal, bitter, happy, optimistic, ashamed, pessimistic...every emotion you can feel, I've felt. I've ran the gamut of feelings. Along the way, I've tried a lot of my friends' patience, my mother's patience and my own patience. I've talked about it until everyone and myself was blue in the face. I've cried, screamed, hit things, wanted to hit people and I've hit myself. I knew I was in a bad place but every time I tried to climb back out, a memory would hit me (usually at 2 a.m. when I was trying to get to sleep), or something would happen that would trigger a response and I would be right back in that hole. It wasn't just one step forward, two steps back, it was one step forward and ten steps back.
Last weekend I finally hit rock bottom. I can't tell you how or why I know - all I know is that I had once again tweeted my feelings for the world to see, cried several times on Saturday even when I was out doing errands, stayed in bed Sunday and then it hit me, ironically enough as I was watching a Godzilla movie. I kept thinking about the message a friend of mine, Chris, sent as well as the words in the book I'm reading. "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken" by Greg and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt is full of humourous anecdotes but also a lot of blunt, harsh truth that I needed to hear. A lot of it was what my friends were telling me but without the candy coating.
I know I have nothing to be ashamed of. I may not have dealt with the breakup as well as I should have, but everyone copes and reacts differently. What I experienced and how I reacted were unique to me. I've learned and grown to accept certain truths, about myself and about the relationship in question.
*I did nothing wrong. During our relationship I made my own choices on how to react, and those choices were right for me at the time. Everything I did, I did without pressure, and it was completely natural and normal. I have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. This was another life experience, a growing experience, and there are lessons I can take with me.
*Lee did nothing wrong. He simply could not cope with the distance between us. That's it. We tried, and due to me having more experience in this type of situation, I had more patience than he did. We had a wonderful year, and a lot of memories I would not trade, and a lot of experiences I wouldn't trade. He is a good man and it was thanks to him that I learned a lot about myself. I was safe and comfortable enough with him to expand my boundaries and grow as a person in ways I hadn't before. For all of this and for many other reasons, he will always remain special to me.
*Both before and after the breakup, we both hurt each other. I was hurt by his growing distance, the fact that there was a disconnect whereas before I always felt like he was just a message away, and also by the fact that it took a long time for him to reach a conclusion. Perhaps I should have taken the lead and broken things off but I wasn't strong enough. Instead I put it on him and I know he didn't want or intend to hurt me, which is probably why he took a long time to decide. Afterwards, I hurt him by putting a lot of personal things on social media in discussions I was having in public. I did not think about his feelings, even though I knew he was/is a very private person. At the time, I wasn't trying to deliberately hurt him, I was reacting to the pain and shame I was feeling. Regardless, however, I did hurt his feelings. It ended badly, and for my part I am sorry for that.
*I am an amazing, gorgeous, sexy, intelligent woman. I may not have felt like it in the past few months, but I am growing confident in the new woman I am becoming. I have a bunch of beautiful, awesome friends and family that have given me great advice, and I thank them with all my heart for helping me through this. I haven't made it easy, but thanks in large part to them, I'm finally turning the corner. I love them all so very much, and I'm going to be a better friend to them. ^_^
With all this in mind, Sunday night I made a decision. I was going to launch "Operation Lady Gojira" and regenerate (copyright Doctor Who) myself into a new, better woman. Why did I name it that? It came to me while watching the aforementioned Godzilla movie. (Gojira is the Japanese name for him, Godzilla is the American translation FYI.) Gojira was my first love, alongside Greek Mythology, that started when I watched his dubbed movies when I was six or seven. My imaginary friends were all the Kaiju from the movies (MechaGodzilla, Titanosaurus, King Ghidorah - all of them.) As I grew up and started learning more about the mythology behind him, the cultural background of the original movie, and seeing the older and newer movies in their unedited, subtitled versions, I learned something. You cannot kill Gojira. They tried in '54 with the Oxygen Destroyer; they tried burying him an iceberg; they tried burying him in an erupting volcano; heck he even had a nuclear meltdown but all his radioactivity just went into his son Gojira Junior. He either rejuvenates, regenerates or is succeeded by his offspring. But he never truly dies.
Like Gojira, I too may be damaged, hurt, broken and wounded - but I won't die either. I thought I would during these past weeks and there were times I wanted to. But I didn't. I want to live and see what else life has to offer for me. True, this has hurt like a motherfucker, mostly because this was only the second serious relationship I've ever had, but also because in many ways it was the first completely open relationship I've ever had. And it was my first real heartbreak. I'm 29 and most women have had their hearts broken long before now, but I was different. With Andrew, I'm the one who did the breaking up, I was the one who wanted to move on. This time I wasn't - and the fact that the man I thought I would eventually marry was breaking up with me almost crushed me entirely.
But I didn't die. I wallowed, I ate unhealthy foods, I slept a lot, I ranted and raved, I did all the things that this book says women do when they're rejected. I thought I was losing my mind, but I was just reacting normally. It was only when I realised that I was stuck in this hole and in danger of losing my friends that I knew I didn't want to live like this. I'd done so for the past two months, almost three - enough was enough. I'd mourned and it was time to pick myself up and move on.
Operation Lady Gojira is my 'plan' to better myself. Every day I have a few small or large goals I want to meet (whether it's something as small as not having a coke after I get home from work or something as big as publicly thanking my friends and apologizing for the mistakes I've made) and as of Wednesday I've met them all so far. I've also made a few minor changes that are designed to eliminate possible temptations or ties that are unhealthy. For instance, I made a new playlist for my iPod that has nothing but strong, positive songs on there to lift my mood and put me in a motivated mood. That was a small but positive change I made. Everything I do, I do for me and for no one else (except in the case of sending messages to my friends - I want everyone who sent me a kind word or encouraging message to know I appreciate and value them immensely!). I'm also determined to put only positive messages on my twitter and Facebook. (Exception being minor gripes about wrestling, politics or attempts to be funny that may crash and burn. ^_~ But nothing negative about me or my life or anyone I know personally.)
I started this plan on Monday the 23rd and granted, it's only Thursday the 26th, but I am immensely proud of myself. I can't describe what it is that's changed in me, it's kind of like a light switch that's been clicked 'on.' I'm clearer, more focused, less negative and not bitter. Like a caterpillar that's been wrapped in it's cocoon for so long, I'm ready to crawl out of it, spread my wings and fly.
Or, like a massive radioactive monster that's been buried in an iceberg for a long time, I'm unleashing my radioactive blasts, melting the ice and stomping towards Tokyo.
ROAR~!
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