Parent traps...

Fair warning: this one's going to be long (probably). I need advice/comments/etc, so leave them here or email them to me or tweet them to me (JenniferL134). First, some background...

I'm 28 years old. My mom has just turned 60. She doesn't really look her age (IMO anyways), but she has a lot of health problems she's gotten over the past 3 - 4 years. A boating accident in '99 caused two disks in her mid back to be crushed (this happened while we were in Florida and the stupid doctor there said there was nothing wrong. Later, back at home, we found out the aforementioned news. Sigh.), and it caused degenerative disk disease. She has some arthritis; skin lupus (which hasn't gone internal, thank God); had to get her right carotid cleaned out; chronic pain; and she's on about 10 or so medicines. All this has just jumbled together since 2006. Plus multiple surgeries on her feet have permanently messed them up to the point she can't walk for very long or very far. She gets really sleepy at different points in the day if she's not on the go. She's fallen a lot but luckily never broken anything, just had some bad bruises.

But, she's still very sharp and has more good days than bad. Mom has a great sense of humor, she's compassionate and very loving. I help take care of her but she also takes care of me in some ways.

I say all of this to explain how things are now. We have a great relationship; we've always been close. Too close when I was younger actually...dad messed up and it caused a riff which just grew deeper on mom's part 'cause she never forgave him. When I was young (and I mean really young), I slept in the bed in the middle of them. Mom later would say that I was as much as physical barrier between them as an emotional one, which she put in place and as I grew older and noticed the barrier, stayed in. Dad drove a truck so he would be gone most days and come home mostly on weekends. So as I grew up, I was naturally closer to mom than dad. At one point, I even called him by his first name, Eddie. I knew he loved me, I just never felt close. It got to the point where dad started sleeping in the guest bedroom and I stayed in mom's bed with her.

....Truth, I didn't stop sleeping in the same bed with her full time until I was about 19. In 1998/99 my parents divorced and in January of 2001 they remarried. The relationship is now much better, they talk more and communicate better than all the previous years. Not counting the years they were separate, they've been married 20-something years. But when he remarried, I started sleeping in my own bed when he was home on the weekends. In the mid-2000's when she started sleeping in and having health problems, I moved to my bed full time so she wouldn't have to get up when I did. Previously, before her problems, she'd get me up, fix me breakfast, etc etc before I went to work.

What I'm trying to say is that our mother/daughter relationship, while always good, hasn't necessarily been healthy. I must stress, there was never any incest, and I did have a couple of boyfriends. So I felt no abnormal feelings towards her or any other family member. This may be Kentucky but I'm civilized. ^__^

And y'all really have no idea how hard the bed sleeping is for me to admit. I feel pretty much like a freak right about now, but I want to be open and honest. Anyways..

My first real relationship was something she supported. I met Andrew in the summer of 1997 in an America Online chatroom for Marvel comics roleplaying. He was 13, I was 15. He annoyed the shit outta me, declaring his love and pestering me to death. There was actually a 'group' of people that I became friends with that summer - some of them I still am. I've been to two of their weddings. Gradually we all got to know the people behind our characters. I learned that at age 12, Andrew was diagnosed with a type of cancer called neuroblastoma. It was incurable, but I never thought about that. His Wish from the Make a Wish foundation was for a computer. To this day, Make a Wish is my favorite and most beloved charity. If not for them, I don't think we would have met.

Anyways...we shared a love of horror movies, Godzilla, comics, books..and in 2002, about the time my grandmother passed away, I realized I'd fallen in love with him. Never saw his picture, but we started talking on the phone. He had a lovely voice. He came down to visit me in 2002 with 2 of his friends (due to his illness, he hadn't gotten a drivers license yet). He had strawberry blonde hair and intense brown eyes. So cute...I liked his eyes. I'm very much an eye person.

On his first visit, on the day he had to drive back, he asked to talk to me in private. We went in my room and shut the door. I thought for certain he was going to say he didn't think we were compatible. He told me, "There's something I want to give you." I said, "What?"

He leaned in and kissed me. In Mickie James' words, it was a Hollywood movie moment. I had my first kiss when I was 21. He showered me with gifts and every chance we got, he was down here or I was up there. (He lived in Pittsburgh.) His family was super sweet. When Freddy vs Jason came out, he had his friends drive him down here so we could go to the premier.

I know, I'm digressing, but I have a point. Bear with me.

In late 2003/early 2004, there was a co-worker I realized I was falling for. In retrospect, it's the worst decision I ever made. All he wanted was to sleep with me. Which, for the record, I am a virgin and I intend to stay that way until marriage. I may joke a lot but this is something I'm dead serious about. I've had a few chances to break that vow and I've turned them all down. It's not negotiable. But, because I've been cheated on, I'd told myself if I ever felt attracted to someone in my area, I would break up with Andrew first. I would not cheat. And I didn't.

I just broke his heart gradually. I gave him the "it's not you, it's me" and "lets take a break" crap. We didn't speak for a long time. Finally we started talking on the phone again in late 2006/2007. He got to go to Wrestlemania in 2007, which he'd never been. He sent me a WM t-shirt (and addressed it to "The President of the Ashley Massaro fan club" *laughing*), but he mentioned at one point he wasn't doing too well. I last spoke with him in September of 2007.

January 8th, 2008, I was on my way to work and noticed I had a voicemail. It was from Alex, Andrew's younger brother.

Andrew had passed away the day before.

I had to pull over into a parking lot. I lost it. Crying, shaking, sobbing...I completely broke down. It took forever to call mom and to be coherent enough to explain what had happened. I don't even know how but I managed to make it through the day and go home.

I had to go to the funeral. I had to. I didn't think his family thought too highly of me but Alex said I would be more than welcome. My mother didn't think it was an option. She tried to dissuade me. But once I got the time off and I got the information from Alex, she accompanied me.

To be frank, his family treated me like I was his widow. They had me sit up front for the service in the funeral home, then in the Church for the funeral Mass, then had me sit with them at the dinner afterwards. They were so gracious. So kind. I'll never forget that. Andrew's mother, Diane, mentioned he'd wrote me a letter, and also wanted to know if I wanted his half of our necklace. (I'd bought us a necklace that you fit both sides together to make a while. It was called a Mizpah coin and said "The Lord watch between you and me when we are apart." But when we broke up, I got rid of my half of the necklace...another regret.) I said yes, and to this day I wear that half of the necklace. To honor him and also to remind myself to never have regrets.

My point in telling this was to share that Andrew was my first big relationship (my only, really); and to highlight the first time I got mad that my mother was trying to block something I had or wanted to do. I was 23, I was capable of going to the funeral on my own, but..her negativity, her solid "It can't be done" was offputting. I told her later it was a time that I had needed her support, to say that it could be done and would be done.

Lets fast forward to these past two years.

I'm starting to realize just how much I've let her have control of my life. I've never *tried* to create some space, have my own life, until the past few years. She tells me she wants me to have my own life, my own friends and wants me to have a significant other before she passes away. Someone that'll "take care of me". I'm all for having a partner (and the weaker side of me wants to be taken care of), but I want to make my way in the world. Doing what, I don't know. But I don't want to be dependent on someone. I've been dependent on her long enough.

I was interested in a guy, and I let her doubts about the future of the potential relationship scare me off. I was really attracted to him, but her fears persuaded me to avoid him. After breaking a date to see a movie, I didn't even speak to the guy for a few months. How pathetic is that? (Fortunately, we're now good friends, I apologized for breaking our date but I didn't explain why. If he reads this...well, now he knows.)

I was interested in *another* guy who wanted to meet me late one night to hang out. Again, I let my mother's fears about "that part of town" and "how late it was" and "what could happen if I was alone with a guy" get to me enough to not go. For the record, it was a nice part of town, it would've been around 11 p.m., and nothing would've happened because I wouldn't have allowed it. (Plus, well now at least, the guy in question knows my boundaries & respects them.) But for crying out loud, I let her fears and her doubts get to me. Again.

In our blow up moments, I've asked how am I to make more friends & explore a relationship with someone that I find attractive if I don't get outside and interact? I don't think she's given me a satisfactory answer to date.

I know she wants the best for me, but she also doesn't want to let go. Mom admits this. And part of me didn't want to change things...until within the last year or so.

The final straw was this: in September, I'm driving up to Berwyn, IL for a weekend of SHIMMER: Women's Athletes tapings. Two days of the finest women's wrestling in the world. After Steven (from DivaDirt) gave such detailed reports of the shows and afterparties I had to go. I lost my job in January but I still bought tickets. And I feel really REALLY guilty about using my unemployment money, but I've used it for tix and to fill out my SHIMMER DVD collection (and essential things like car payment, medicines, etc.). I do try to be responsible with my funds and I'm actively seeking a job. I don't want to stay on unemployment. =/ Anyways..

I told mom about this. I told her I'd be meeting up with others from the DD site, they were trustworthy, there's a nice hotel we're all staying in, it's wrestling, all the details. She...wasn't thrilled.

When my mom gets mad or upset, she gets quiet. Real quiet. Speaks in short sentences, one word answers, etc. This was how she reacted, even though she said it was fine. Yeah, uh huh.

I got my tickets. I explained to her how the company was started, how it's reputable, how women worldwide come in to compete. Plenty of details. She still insisted at some points she didn't want to talk about it, but she wouldn't interrupt me or cut me off. I thought telling her so far in advance would give her time to prepare. But last week, she revealed her innermost thoughts. (Or so I think they are.) We were driving and I told her I was getting Volume 29 in the mail soon. She paused and then said this:

You don't even know what really goes on at these things.

Her tone of voice was more shocking than her words. She said it so coldly, so venomously, so...creepily. And I could tell what she was really saying was, "You are going to get raped and left for dead." Because thats her mindset. I protested, saying that it was an established wrestling organization, family friendly, and I trusted the people I would be around. I can't remember what she said after that, but it was my turn to be quiet. She must've realized that she'd touched a nerve because a little bit later while we were heading for home she got friendly. Eventually it was fine but I never told her how much this upset me.

And to be fair, yesterday I was telling her about Allison Danger and her twitter comment that I was sweet and how flattered I was. Mom looked at me with a quirky smile and told me to be sure I wasn't going to the show for the women. (I.E. that I wasn't going to the show to hit on the women) It took me a moment but then I started laughing. We discussed it just a little bit more, because I didn't want to press her good humor further. But I thought it was funny and maybe it's a sign she's lightening up about it. Probably not though.

But it really hit home the fact that she is paranoid about where I go and who I'm with. Not extreme paranoia but enough to have dissuaded me in the past about the things I do and potential relationships. Hell in 2008, she ruined a trip I made to visit a friend in Oregon because I invited her along. She stayed in a hotel and I spent so much time worrying about her that I actually cut my trip short, got my friend's husband to drive me to the hotel and stayed with her the rest of the time until our flight back.

And I'd been to Oregon twice before that trip on my own.

I'm humiliated as hell writing this, admitting all that I am, but I'm tired. I'm tired of her temper, tired of her manipulation, tired of her control, tired of her limiting me.

I want to go out when I have somewhere to go or something to do. (And although I'm more of a homebody, if someone invites me to go out I'll go. Its happened before, believe it or not LOL.) I want to spend time with people outside of the 'net. If I fall in love, I want to be free to explore that, no matter the person's gender, race, religion, etc. etc. I'm tired of her fears controling my life.

I AM going to SHIMMER. I want to meet in person so many of the awesome people I've met through the DivaDirt site. I want to see and meet some of my wrestling idols. I want to expand my horizions. I'm tired and fed up.

I love my mother. I don't mind to care for her when she needs it, because she did give me life and a lot of things I wouldnt' have had otherwise. But I don't want to be limited by her any further. I don't want to be old and alone. I'm very scared that the following things will happen to me:

1) I'll grow old alone
2) I'll end up like some of my 'white trash' relatives: living off the govt, addicted to prescription pills.

And after reading through all this, I honestly think that no one would want to deal with all this crap of mine. I'm afraid I'm not worth the trouble, and that anyone who'd be interested in me will think I'm not worth the trouble either. It's a lot of baggage, although they wouldn't have to deal with my mother.

I have to deal with her. I'm planning on contacting someone who once had her in their group therapy and try to set up a session with him. Since he knows her back story, it'd be easier. But I just...I don't know what to do in the short term. I'm putting this out there to see if anyone has any advice for me. Any suggestions, in general or specifically. I really hope no one thinks differently of me after reading this. Despite it all, I am fairly normal - whatever normal is, heh. I've just never realized the extent of her control over me until lately. I'm ready to break free of it. Or as free as I can while still caring for her.

I want to be myself and get out of this parent trap before it's too late.